the catalyst

it's been everything i thought it would be.

so long and goodnight.

i dont even know where to begin

tonight i dont know what hurts more than the people you love betraying you.
people you hate
and
people you love
being friends

theres nothing worse than that

i might be wrong is saying this. but its how i feel. and i cant let that go.

hate= PAIN / HEARTACHE

live for the moment

" heaven's not a place where you go when you die, its that moment in life when you acually feel alive"

i dont feel alive. i havent. not lately.
its that same thing that keeps holding me back. i can be fun. smiling, laughing, joking. but only with the right people. accualy in this case, anyone.
i have no friends. my life consists of hanging out with J. my only friend. the one and only.
and she has her bf and work. so between that i hang out with her about 3 times a week. even if that much. i dont really know. the weeks seem to go by. and i cant remeber what day it is. i never know.
its pretty sad how my life became this. two summers ago i was never home. i came home at 11 every night to sleep and i was up again the next day and out the door. looking back, i never knew how lucky i was.
and now, i wake up watch tv. do some random chores. watch tv. sit in front of this mother fucking computer screen watch more tv. shower maybe..eat supper with the fam. and when the ngight comes around. it hurts even more.
now dont get me wrong, i have other friends. but i would like to consider them aquantices accually. no one that i would ever call up and see what their up to. i want to move or something. but that would be even worse. to move and then try to make friends. maybe if i wasnt so hated people would want to talk to me.
it seems to be the story of my life lately.
i keep saying the same things in here, over and over again. but thats really all i have to rant about. besides the fact that im a bitch. to everyone and anyone. and im getting fat!! becaue i dont do anything with myself. i quit sb. so now theres nothing. i gained like 4 pounds. but it feels like more. probably cuz fat doesnt weigh as much as muscle. so i dont feel all the fat growing from my ass.
and i feel like no one understands me. i want a car. so i can just drive..far far away..into the sun..it would be a beautiful scene accually. but i want to drive and drive and as the sun sets..i slowly become weaker and die a peaceful death.
theres absolutely nothing awaiting me in life. nothing. i have nothing to live for. yes i will miss a few people if i went..but if i can stand to be alone for this long. i could handle it.

" and i wont be anyones excuse to cry "

well i want someone to cry.
i want someone to love me. as much as i loved you.

"dreams and heartache"

i had a dream when i was little...i woke up, locked in a cage...and pretending to be asleep. i peered though open slits in my eyes and i had been kidnapped...and then it goes blank.....then i remeber sitting staring..i was openly awake now and the ppl there knew i was.....i remember being so scared....scared stiff.. i was so scared that i couldnt move. i just sat there staring..with fear crawling through my body. i wanted to run but i couldnt. it was like my body was tied down. something was holding me back. i tried so hard to run.

"hes wondering what love is"

ah and here i am again. nothing to say really. just bored. downloading some music by the spill canvas..pretty sweet. havent talked to k all day. he called me tho. i think what i said hit him pretty hard last night. he called me a bitch. and told me to fuck. then naturally i got pissed. right now i wouldnt die if i didnt see him again. but theres still that part of me that is attcahed to him. as much as i hate to admit it. i cant stand him anymore. and its tearing me apart bcuz i dont know why i dislike him so much, i told him not to follow me around, not to touch me. i didnt want to be touched. the only people i wanted to see were my friends. i just wnated my friends. and i wnated to scream! SCREAM! kmc hugged me..and hung off of me last night. shes crazy. acting drunk. i told her she hated me. and she goes ooooh. and asked me what time it was. like really who does that. although i dont hate her anymore...and i regret being so mean to her. shes really not that bad. i think shes changed. i hope she has. i havent.
wow. the spill canvas is pretty depressing. this is nice. cant wait to look up the lyrics.
i dont know what im gonna do about this whole k situation. i cant stand him..but i cant stand to not be with him. i know that its hurting him more than me because i treat him like shit. but this is too much for me. im so confused.
i heart acoustic

elsewhere

I love the time and in between
the calm inside me
in the space where I can breathe
I believe there is a
distance I have wandered
to touch upon the years of
reaching out and reaching in
holding out holding in

I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as I can be
left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand

I know this love is passing time
passing through like liquid
I am drunk in my desire...
but I love the way you smile at me
I love the way your hands reach out and hold me near...
I believe...

I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand

Oh the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
the mold that clings like desperation
Mother can't you see
I've got
to live my life the way I feel is right for me
might not be right for you but it's right for me...
I believe...

I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand it
I would like to linger here in silence
if I choose to
would you understand it
would you try to understand...

-bethany joy lenz

maybeee

take my hand and give me hope
for im a girl, a little more than unpredictable
and i will laugh and learn to cope in the real world, your nothing unless you give someones leg a pull.
and maybe, once in a while you gotta hum your own tune
maybe, i got my foot stuck in my mouth
maybe
your my fairy tale come true
maybe..

-theresa

i dont know what im doing here or how to get out

yeah so here i am again..sitting here, contemplating wether or not i should start writing in this again.
i still dont know what im doing
i feel lost. and i realized last night that i have to change. i need to be a better person to myself and to others. no more talking about people and spreading rumours..its over. everything i need to say but cant out in the open will be said in here.
some people might think this is a bad habbit but i dont know how it can be so bad. everyone has a journal right?

s and c had sex. wow how that must screw up their lives. and now everyone is going to know about it. s told kd. kd told jc. and then jc told cc and then she told me. i feel bad for her. s that is. even though we dont talk anymore..and she practialy hates me. i feel bad for her. she loves c. she LOVES him. she always has. when we were friends i knew it. but i never thought they would get involved with each other. c probabaly told her that she cant tell anyone...do you know how many people would have something to say about this. i feel so bad for her. it makes me cry. and i cant stop crying lately. im just an emotional wreck. keeping their relationship a secret...i dont know how they do it. they made a deal that they would only fool around with each other and no one else. and now its going around because she told someone that was untrust worthy.. i wonder if i had still been her best friend if she would have told me...and i wouldnt have told...or maybe i would have..it all depends..i wonder how my life would be right now. or hers.
this is all just too much for me
all the lies and all the betrayal
c is dissappointed in me. i cant go to sji tonight. cuz my mom wont dirve me both ways and id ont want to stay the night at c's but that wont help anything anyways. its a lose lose situation...k is still mad at me. for singing in g and a to the dance.
oh how things change and you cant stop them
i want to fast forward into the future..i want to fall asleep and wake up when i have a career and a family..and someone that loves me.
im done pretending to be something im not. im not that fucked up. im really not. im just stupid and i cant get over things that hurt me in the past.
me and k have been together for over 4 months. i dont love him
not that im sopposed to
he makes me so mad
i always think about how im gonan breka it off with him
and when i will
i cant handle the stress of this relationship
i cant stand it anymore. i cant stand any of this anymore.