Maybe I should hate you for this.

I've had this song in my head FOREVERRR and i cant stop singing it, so here we gooo..

She said "don't, don't let it go to your head
boys like you are a dime a dozen,
boys like you are a dime a dozen"
She said "you're a touch overrated,
you're a lush and I hate it
but these grass stains on my knees
they won't mean a thing"

And all I need to know
Is that I'm somethin you'll be missin
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that far
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that...

I'd never lie to you
Unless I had to I'll do what I got to
Unless I had to I'll do what I go to,
the truth is you could slit my throat
And with my one last gasping breath
I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt

And all I Need to know
Is that I'm somethin you'll be missin
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that far
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that...

Cause I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions
This'll be last chance you get to drop my name
Cause I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions
This'll be last chance you get to drop my name

If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar...

--Your So Last Summer
by Taking Back Sunday

-xox<3

Maybe Someday

Maybe someday you'll see through me. You'll see through it all and finally understand. I'm not who you think I am. I'm nothing of the sort. I'm not easy. I just want to be your friend.
I love you more than words can say. I wish we were closer. I wish we could talk like we used to.
The picture you have painted of me..thats not me. Im not. I never will be.
I'm a lie to the world. Just a hidden lie, underneath it all. It hurts when your afraid to stand up tall.
Maybe someday you'll know who I am.
Someday is so far away. You wont remember me then. But I'll always remember how you made me smile.
If only the whispers would cease. I know they talk. I can see. Each muffled voice barried behind a hand...it hurts more and more. You dont understand.
Maybe someday when your gray and old, you'll stop and think about me..

Maybe someday, you'll love me for me.


-xox<3>



p.s--->reply to comment.
I dont know how I did on my exams yet. I wont know until Wednesday, but I'll keep you posted. Thanks for asking:)

Me + Exams = OVER

Yeah thats right...I'm all done my exams!:) What a feeling. It kinda feels like Christmas...but the opposite.
You go through hell for weeks preparing for exams and then when there done your so relieved and happy and wow its a great feeling! And with christmas you are excited for weeks before and then when christmas is over...your sad bcuz u have to wait another 365 days. so its sort of a contrasting feeling..wow i really dont have anything interesting to say do i?
well i have something to complain about. something that REALLY pisses me off!
I REALLLY hate it when people who dont know me judge me bcuz of what they hear about me! it makes me so mad! there are a few ppl in this world that have the right to hate me but they dont have to get others to do it 2. yeah just something id like to note..so fuck you, B!
(im not usually this vuglar but it needs to be said)
So i have exactly 5 days off ( i was sopposed to have 6 but stupid storm)...thats pretty exciting tho. tonight im watching the OC bcuz im OBSESSED COMPLETELY! and then tomorrow im going to some sort of hockey game....i think...and then saturday..dance..sunday im going to c's until monday b4 dance. and then im comming home and hanging out with k. but i dont really want 2!!!! grrrrrr im kinda gettin....turned off??? lol...i guess thats how u say it. this is gonna be the meanest thing ever but...he has this thing when hes nervous and he throws up a lot..AND I HATE PUKEING!! i think its the sickest thing ever and i havent done it since grade 2! but yeah..im still interested in him but that kinda threw me off...a little...anyways
im a HUGE FAG!
so im going now!
sorry to bore you
im boring myself
bye

Live and Let Die

When you were young and your heart was an open book,
You used to say live and let live.(You know you did)
But if this ever changing world in which we live in,
Makes you give in and cry...
Say live and let die.(Live and let die)
What does it matter to you?
When you got a job to do you gotta do it well.
You've got to give the other fella hell.
You used to say live and let live.(You know you did)
But if this ever changing world in which we live in
Makes you give in and cry,
Live and let die.(Live and let die.)
Live and let die

-Paul McCartney and Wings

Empty

sometimes I get this feeling
this feeling inside of me
it makes me want to scream
i feel so alone
so afraid
i feel empty
i feel unloved
its a feeling in my chest
a nervous feeling
i dont know where it comes from
theres something inside of me
thats not healing properly
im wounded
but i dont know where
i dont remember
my mind is blank
the worst part is
its like a bruise i cannot hide
it comes out in my actions
in my attutude
in my emotions
it hurts
but i dont know why
i take a deep breath
but it doesnt go away
its not until later that i forget
and i move on
to another hour
another day
another month
it will come back
but right now
all i can do is cry
and feel empty inside.

"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within"

-James Baldwin

Close your eyes, the light of love will lead the way.

Love doesn't start with the eyes
It starts with the heart
Look deep down inside
In all that you have
A chance
To make a choice,
To make a change
So make the choice to look with the eyes of your heart.

-xox


I think I've been love struck...:)

Sometimes it hurts more than it seems.

Should have told me.
Seemed like an ordinary day.
Everything seemed to be okay.
Did it hurt you?
These are the scars you never show.
She is a fire sign, you know.
One day you're near and then you go.
Here is a looking glass, what do you see?
There's nothing there but me.
There was a wishing well I jumped into.
Nothing came true.
They deceive you.
There is a wall you have to find.
The echoes in your mind.
You surrender.
These are the lessons that you learn.
Nobody hears, no one's concerned.
One day it's clear and then you burn.
Here is the wishing well I jumped into
Nothing came true
Here is a looking glass, what do you see?
Sorry its just me
Even just a sound, and all your cards are down.
Even just a sound.
Let me lay you down.
Don't have to make a sound.
I would lay you down.
It surrounds you.
Sometimes it's easy to believe.
Sometimes it hurts more than it seems.
Now it's over.
These are the scars you never show.
There was a warning sign, you know.
One day you're near and then you go...

-Fire Sign by David Berkeley

whats on my mind...*long* dont read unless bored.

ok wellll i havent really posted an update on my life in a while so here goes
i love n! i just love her. shes so nice. and i feel really bad for being so bitchy to her at the first of the year cuz she was annoying me and i get annyoed really easily. but i feel rite bad cuz shes such a sweetheart and awh. do u ever feel like u hate your life? and you just wanna crawl in a hole and die! well i do! right now! cuz im such a mother fucking LIAR!!!! i hate lying! why do i do it! im such a fucking reject
soooo many people hate me! like completely hate me and i dont know what i do to them. a few ppl have reason to hate me but i havent made anyone else mad in a while. ive been trying to clean up my life.
yeah so tonight i went this RETARDED party! it was andreas bday party and it was fucking stupid. me and j left early and i think c was mad at us but what can i do..its not like i can change anything. i just didnt want to be there.
man do u wanna know what hurts the most. this is the one thing that hurts me the most. it cuts me deeep
My friend b has been distanceing hisself from me lately...like he wont sit with me in class like he usally does and he sits with other girls..im not jeloud or anything..cuz i dont like like like him like that....but hes like the BESR MOST AWESOMEST GUY EVER!!!!!! sooooo hilarious and u can talk to him about ANYTHING! and i LOVE him soo much! u dnot even understand how much i love this guy. anyways when i confronted him about not talkin to me or sittin with me anymore..he said its nothing personal but he hangs out with different people now...AND THAT HURTS ME SO MUCH
He used to hang with me everyday and now....all of a sudden he wants to hang out with "different people"...what did i do!i dont even know. I feel like everyone i love leaves me..and sometimes i just dont feel like bring here. theres just no sense...were all gonan die someday.
we have exams this week
andi just dont care
i wish i did
i used to care and now im just like bah
i really want to go somewehre in my life but i dont really think a failed exam will do much to a 96% in chemistry. so i dont care. well i do
i just like to pretend i dont
yeah im retarded
I really like this blog thing. cuz if i didnt have this i would probabaly ramble on inside my head and everything i think and know will be lost..and lately ive noticed that i forget a lot of things that i used to remember..like who i saw where and new ppl i meet...i dont remember these things anymore. i think im going insane. or maybe i just need to ranble on like this more often so that i dont forget anything.
I think im over my head this time...it might be love. K is amazing...he makes me happier than ive ever been before. im just scared of comittment..but i need to get over that and this is the time. and im scared of gettin hurt but what can you do. thats life. but im gonna be complaing about it on here and ill write some sad poems so yah haaaa u better hope that doesnt happen to quick
anyways im gonna stop trying cuz im losing track of what im feeling cuz im talkin to J online and she makes me happy so thanks for reading if you did.
bye:)

Truly.Madly.Deeply

I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope
I'll be your love
Be everything that you need.
I love you more with every breath
Truly madly deeply do..

I will be strong I will be faithful Cuz
I'm counting on a new beginning.
A reason for living.
A deeper meaning.

I want to stand with you on a mountain.
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever.
Until the sky falls down on me...

And when the stars are shining
brightly In the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish
Send it to heaven
Then make you want to cry..
The tears of joy
For all the pleasure
and the certainty.
That we're surrounded
By the comfort and protection of..

The highest power.
In lonely hours.
The tears devour you..

I want to stand with you on a mountain,
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever,
Until the sky falls down on me...

-Savage Garden

If You Believe

There's nothing like a first kiss.

It's always unforgettable.

You Live.You Learn.

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room

Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free

Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn

You live..you learn.

-You Learn- Alanis Morissette

Rain

I hear rain beating on the roof,
while I sit alone, inside myself.
Everything I've done in life
has been wrong.
Every move, every decision;
the wrong one.
But as I sit and hear the rain,
now beating harder,
I feel less in solitude.
I feel less afraid.
The sound of the rain above me
makes me feel safe and warm.
The layer of roof over my head
is protecting me from the wet and cold.
I will not drown.

Rain is my safety.

Afraid

Afraid of tears
Afraid if believing
Afraid of pain
Afraid of love
Afraid of feeling
Afraid of truth
Afraid of lies
Afraid of death
Afraid of anger
Afriad of hate
Afraid of life

Afraid of being alone

"Unfailing Faith"

"Find out who you are and do it on purpose" - Dolly Parton

"Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous. Love is never boastful nor conceited, it does not take offence and is not resentful" - A Walk to Remember

"Love is like the wind, you cant see it, but you can feel it" - A Walk to Remember

"If I needed you, would you come to me, would you come to me and ease my pain. If you needed me, I would come to you, I would swim the seas for to ease your pain." - Stepmom

"If you wanna be somebody, if you wanna go somewhere, you better wake up and pay attention." - Sister Act 2

"Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone, in a world that she cant rise above"-Martina McBride

"Hello, I am the lie, living for you so you can hide. Don't cry."- Evanescence

"Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me" - Evanescence

"Theres just too much that time cannot erase" - Evanescence

"Truth spoke in whispers will tear you apart, no matter how hard you resist it. It never rains when you want it to"- Norah Jones

"Lose 1 friend, Lose all friends, Lose yourself" - Boy Meets World

Even the best fall down sometimes.

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah
But I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find, you and I collide
I'm quiet, you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find, you and I collide
Don't stop here
I've lost my place
I'm close behind
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find, you and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

-Collide by Howie Day

<3xox

when you and I collide

he likes me:)

we went to the movies last night with a bunch of people..there were 5 couples there. it was a lot of fun. then we went to K's party.

i feel so..
happy
its a good feeling

Forever was in your eyes.

Yup im still alive. I've been really busy with exams comming up.. im trying to study but i get booooored. bah.
I was so tired today i thought i would fall asleep in math class....maaan and the headaches caused from being tired are the shits..anyways!! ig to new tap shoes tonight:D and a black body tight to wear under shorts;) its just lovely. i was pretty happy! and i got my new glasses tonight 2! what a night eh.
Today I was sopposed to meet k at 15min break to "hang out like homies" in his words....but we just walked by each other and said hi...maaaan
i wish he would tell me that he likes me... and make a better effort to hang out with me or at least see me from time to time. i hate guys...bahh jk i liiiiike k...i really like k...i realy thuink we can have a good relationship! we just need time! and thats alright im ok with it. i hope he doesnt forget about me thats all
anyways..
i love my dance class. i dont know what i would do without it. I would probably be nothing and die of depression if i couldnt see my girls. i love them. and i love dance its my passion and yup it makes me happy. and happy is good.
we all need something that makes us happy. wether it be a special person, a sport, an art, music, friends, family, or even your fave tv show ( like the OC! cuz its on tonight and it makes me happy).

my mom told me the other day that she saw a change in me..she said i was "happier" and i never noticed it personally. but thats probabaly a good thing. cuz im not pretending.

Put a smile on your face, nothing is as bad as you make it out to be, you will see the light.

things to do/plans/written down so i wont forget.

ATTENTION:
USLESS INFORMATION BELOW!

1. grow hair out long until FEB.!..add more long layers, cut more side parted bangs and make them shorter.
2. volunteer w/ J so it looks good on a resumé
3. start going to the Y or any gym to work out (w/J..we have lots of plans together)
4. buy that lovely tank top from garage that i almost forgot about
5. SHOES FROM BATA!!! pointy ones
6. batteries
7. white board marker
8. pencils
9. hang out w/K and have a good time at the dance.:)
10. STUDY FOR EXAMS.

I just want this hell to end.

I found this when I was cleaning my room. I wrote it long time ago...Its been so long I hardly remember what I was thinking at the time..


I'm sick of this shit
I'm sick of my scars
I dont know why you pretend
What you say is never the reality

You use me to be comforted
You use me to boast
I cant comprehend why you care so much
Why do you think you have to impress me?

At times I find myself thinking
about the way things used to be.
But the strange thing is..
I don't care. I just don't care anymore.

You people can have my past.
My angry, jelous, hurtful past
I cant go back.
I wont go back.

Im finally going in a straight line
Trying hard not to curve or bend
The wounds you've left me
still clench a nerve

I just cant forget
the memorys of the past
They'll haunt me forever
if you keep ending up in my path.

The only way to find my sanity
is to leave and never look back
But thats just not possible
Im not that strong

I have to make a big decision
It will alter my life
Do I want to free myself?
Do I want to be hurting forever?

I wish I could see
into the future
Then the answers would be simple
Crystal clear

Whatever happens
The way we are will never change
You will always be connected to my past
I'll never forget.

I just want this hell to end.

Dying- Five for Fighting

I'm Dying,
Dying to wake up without you,
without you in my head again
I'm Dying,
Dying to forget about you,
that you ever lived

There's a shade come over this heart
that's coping with laying down to rest
I'm Dying to live without you again

I'm Dying,
Dying to find a distraction,
get you away from me
I'm Dying,
Dying to reach a conclusion,
so that the world can see

It's the same old story of love and glory
that broke before it bent
I'm Dying to live without you again

The first time you left I said goodbye
Now there's not a prayer that can survive

Dying,
Dying to die just to come back
so we can meet again
Dying,
Dying to say what I always should have said

It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath...
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again
It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath...
I'm Dying and I can't live without you
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again

"hell yeah!"

Tonight was such an AMAZING Night!:) It was my friend M's bday so her family and friends threw her a surprise party! It was the best time ive ever had in months! It was pure goodness! fun while being sober! that is possible eh?
It started off kinda slow goin..cuz M wasnt there yet. She ended up being late but the SURPRISE was GOLDEN!!! I thought she was gonna cry!:) hehe and then the party started!! she opened all of her presetns and she loved everyone and THEN her dad gave her a little box and it was wrapped in LAYERS and LAYERS of DUCT TAPE! lol. it was hilarious!! and then when she finally got it open it was keys to her motorcycle!!!:) shes wanted a bike for soooo long and she got it!:) it was so awesome! she was so happy:):):)
THEN we ate lots of goood food! and we decided to go out in the snow! M and G snowed me and K and it was HILARIOUS!! i was pretty soaked!...then we had a HUGE cake fight and i got cake in my hair!boo! but it was definately worth it! oh yeah!! and we sang REDNECK WOMAN and danced until we were out of breath!:) oh what a night!
I LOVE the people that were there tonight...the STM groupies. I feel like im loved when im with them. They dont judge people and they are the funniest ppl ever! They really make a goodtime. I dont feel like im being talked about when im with them..like...they're NOT fake people. unlike the ppl at my school. I REALLY HATE my school. no accually i just HATE the ppl in it.
These STM people love me for me. they dont make me feel hated, or unwanted. im not intimidated by them. im not scared to be told off for being a "bitch", like at my school. and i love all of them. I dont sit there with hatred for someone in my soul all night. i can let loose cuz i dont think about ppl watching me that i hate. I HATE THE PEOPLE IN MY SCHOOL. not really but they make me mad when they judge me.
as we all know..i hate to be hated..it hurts..more then you'll ever know.

i t

h u r t s

t o

b e

h a t e d..



-<3xox

Lord of the Flies

What a beautifully written novel of the space between anarchy ,democracy, loosing of innocence of a child, the evil in a man. I would highly recommend this novel..it is a work of art.

"Ralph wept for for the end of innocence, the darkness of man’s heart, and the fall through the air of a true, wise friend called Piggy"

theres nothing to lose when noone knows your name

I was kind of excited to go back to school today..i wanted to see everyone. but now i wish i never did.
It makes me mad to see J and C together laughing about the time they spent together without me..like seriously...and they have all this stuff they talk about but they dont let anyone else in on the joke. eventually they told me but theres just so much more...and today when school was over..C said to J "call me tonight i have so much to tell you" and J's like "oh i have sooo much to tell u too"...which isnt a bad thing. they can be friends all they want. all im saying is that inside and to myslef it pisses me off to not be included. Almost to be sad about it. like im loosing someone. I always feel like that. Its just me tho. No1 else ever feels like that. Im just a jelous bitch(yeah im calling myself names again). I need to get over myslef and move on.

"Need more friends with wings, All the angels I know put concrete in my veins."

a look into the past..

SPICE GIRLS! who WASNT obsessed with the spice girls? I loved the spice girls with a passion! And you look back and remember how SHITTY their songs were....but this one used to be my fave back in the day! and i still love this one!:) i love all of their songs accualy, no matter how old or shitty they get. To me they symbolize happiness and a time when everything was and would be ok. And if you read the lyrics..they accualy do make some sense and have some meaning..


Candle light and soul forever
A dream of you and me together,
Say you believe it, say you believe it,
Free your mind of doubt and danger,
Be for real don't be a stranger,
We can achieve it,
we can achieve it
Come a little bit closer baby,
Get it on, get it on,
'Cause tonight is the night when two become one

I need some love like
I never needed love before
(Wanna make love to ya baby)
I had a little love,
now I'm back for more
(Wanna make love to ya baby)
Set your spirit free, it's the only way to be

Silly games that you were playing,
Empty words we both were saying,
Let's work it out boy, let's work it out boy,
Any deal that we endeavour,
Boys and girls feel good together,
Take it or leave it, take it or leave it
Are you as good as I remember baby,
Get it on, get it on,
'Cause tonight is the night when two become one

-2 Become 1 by the SPICE GIRLS!:)

the last dance..of 2004

Last dance last chance for love,
it's my last change for romance tonight.
I need you, by me, beside me, to guide me,
to hold me, to scold me, 'cause when I'm bad
I'm so, so bad

So let's dance, the last dance let's dance,
the last dance let's dance,
this last dance tonight
Last dance, last dance for love yes,
it's my last chance for romance tonight
Oh, I need you, by me, beside me, to guide me,
to hold me, to scold me, 'cause when I'm bad
I'm so, so bad

So let's dance, the last dance let's dance,
the last dance let's dance,
this last dance tonight.

Oh I need you, by me, beside me, to guide me,
to hold me, to scold me, 'cause when I'm bad I'm so, so bad
So let's dance, this last dance let's dance, this last dance
let's dance, this last dance tonight...

-Donna Summer

<3xox