August Birthdays..

My brithday is in August and I was looking at sites and this is what I came across..

AUGUST:
-Loves to joke.
-Attractive.
-Suave and caring.
-Brave and fearless.
-Firm and has leadership qualities.
-Knows how to console others.
-Too generous but egotistic.
-Takes high pride of oneself.
-Thirsty for praises.
-Extraordinary spirit.
-Easily angered.
-Angry when provoked.
-Easily jealous.
-Observant.
-Careful and cautious.
-Thinks quickly.
-Independent thoughts.
-Loves to lead .
-Loves to dream.
-Talented in the arts, music and defense.
-Sensitive but not petty.
-Poor resistance against illnesses.
-Learns to relax.
-Hasty and trusty.
-Romantic.
-Loving and caring.
-Loves to make friends .

whooaaa these are pretty much all true..and that kinda scares me.

this is just a short post..i have to get ready for NYE festivitys..so peace out

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!
<3xox

"tap on my window, knock on my door, I wanna make you feel beautiful"

I got a comment about "You have to learn to love yourself, before you can love anyone else." ( the line thats in my About Me..) I got positive feed back..which is good. Bcuz i really believe that. Its so true!
You have to happy with yourself and love yourself and love who you are and belive in yourslef...before you can accualy be in a healthy relationship and truely love someone. I definately dont know how much of my theory is fact..but i truely belive that. im definately not some kind of therepist..but i think i know this one thing. if anyone knows otherwise..please comment..id really love to hear your opinion.
"You have to learn to love yourself, before you can love anyone else"
i think thats where i have gone wrong. I dont think i love myslef. im not sure. it seems kind of conceited to me..to Love Yourself...maybe ive gone so long pretending i dont.. that i have grown to Not love myself. Not loving myslef would explain why i havent had a relationship for more than a month..in my life. I always get scared and feel like im being used and i get a sick feeling. I feel dirty. But with K..i know we've only hung out like twice..but i can see myslef with him..so maybe i DO love myself if i can see a future for us.. or maybe im just kidding myself. Sometimes i think..just the thought that maybe i can be a normal person and love someone in that way..makes me try harder to make things work. I analyse things wayy too much....
I've done a lot of things in my life that make me not love who I am..but that was a long time ago..and maybe im over it. Maybe I can accually love myself..But how am i sopposed to know! soo many unanswered questions....

i dont even think i know WHO i am!

" I don't mind spending everyday, out on your corner in the pouring rain. Look for the girl with a broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay awhile. She will be loved. "

letting it out ..i ramble too much..

I was just looking through all of my recent posts..and ive just realized ive become boring...all i do is write about what i did that day or post a song..what is my life comming to!! ahh.
but yeah its all good cuz I like what I write about! cuz its whats on my mind. and if im not feeling the subject then why bother..and i do have my "deep" moments..so its all good!
anyways!
IM SICK!! I have bronchitus(i dont know how to spell that)..and im on some kid of anitbiodic and i dont think it mixes well with food..i had a HUGE MOTHER bowl of caesar salad and took my pills and i thought i was gonan die! my stomache felt like it was gonna explode! so my plan for the day is to sit home and ... do nothing. :) and eat a lot cuz i like to eat when im sick:D
tomorrow im going shopping and then to dance class for private lessons with C and then im going back to her house cuz we have to practice for the show were gonna be in. and i wanna see her new puppy!!
and then im comming home on friday afternoon and its NYE..and G asked me if i wnated to go to his house but im like mehh..cuz i kinda wanna hang out with K(heart heart)..but ill probabaly end up watchin movies at G's house.which could be a good time cuz his parents might let us drink..maybe i should take my age out of my profile..but id rather go to a party with K and have a goodtime.and J wants me to do somethign with her but i dont wanna ahng out at my house on NYE with just me and J..how boring is that. baahh. so ill end up going to G's and then on Saturday im hangning out with K:) and then sunday im going shopping i think..I HOPE! and then monday ill have to do chemistry and math homework that i have to do...bahhh again. then its back to school to die. speaking about dieing..j siad yesterday that she wnats to drink bleach to kill herslef..she was joking of course..but it was quite humourous at the time.
C doesnt talk to me when i come online. i think that shes pissed cuz she wants J to herslef and im hanging out with her more than she is. hahahhaa im SO EVIL! i have a nasty side to me so watch out. this is me being a jelous bitch! but J loves us both. but me and C dont love each other..well let me rephrase that..i dont really love her..i dont know about her tho. theres wayyyyyy 2 much between us that cant be fixed.. well it could be fixed but im lazy. anyways yeah im a bad person. thats alright tho. i dont care. and now im being a stubborn wench. ha i like that. I ALSO LIKE HOW I ALWYAS END UP CALLING MYSLEF NAMES! haaa thats always great on my self-esteem...I like to make fun of myslef tho. it doesnt give ppl a reason to do it..if i joke about my faults then no1 else will..
goodbye!:)

Do you really want to hurt me?

Give me time
To realise my crime
Let me love and steal
I have danced inside your eyes
How can I be real

Do you really want to hurt me
Do you really want to make me cry

Precious kisses
Words that burn me
Lovers never ask you why
In my heart the fire’s burning
Choose my colour
Find a star
Precious people always tell me
That’s a step
A step too far

Do you really want to hurt me
Do you really want to make me cry
Do you really want to hurt me
Do you really want to make me cry

Words are few
I have spoken
I could waste a thousand years
Wrapped in sorrow words are token
Come inside and catch my tears
You’ve been talking but believe me
If it’s true you do not know
This boy loves without a reason
I’m prepared to let you go
If it’s love you want from me
Then take it away
Everything is not what you see
It’s over today

-Culture Club

<3xox

the hurt of ones soul.

Let me scream
Let me cry
Let me out
Let me free
Save me from myself
Life is passing me by
and im lost inside
I miss it
I miss the old times
friends
laughs
true happiness
are all wrapped up in my past
i miss friends and family
i miss being a kid
i want life back
i want to be happy
i want to live in
my childhood..forever
and never look back
the future scares me
it makes me want to hide
to not speak, to be nothing.
i hate words
words are vicious things
they kill souls
and they are never the same.

<3xox

Greatest Hurts

"I feel like you know me well. I’ve tried to let you see me for yourself. I feel like I’m…I’m out of my head, I’ve got this thing for you.I like your face I like your body,like your feet, I like your nose,I like your chest beneath the covers,like your heart, I like your soul.I like your life inside me pounding like a heart inside a dream.Inside a dreamer that’s been dreaming of a perfect symphony.I like the way you walk beside me like a paper in the wind.The way you swing your arms so gladly.Where you end and I begin..I like everything,about you.

Put a chair against the door and turn the lights down low. Write a letter to yourself no one will ever know. Tell them all about the girl who just refused to fall.Oh my Lord.He is the very breath you feel inside your lungs at night. He is the bitter wind who’s drying up your appetite.He is the darkness that seeps into your fading light.

No I will not lay down.I will not live my life like a ghost in this town.I am not lonely.Swear to God, I’m just alone.I’m back on my feet.I can just close my eyes and forget everything.My house is empty, every memory blown away.Oh the sound of the wind through my bones,makes me laugh at all the bodies I kissed and never knew.Oh the sound of a lovers sympathy falling down to the floor,just barely out of reach from me.No I will not go back,every word that’s been hiding inside of my head is running blindly,look behind me nothing’s left.I can sit in a room, I can hear myself breathing and be quite amused. My life is simple like the wrinkles on my skin.

I’ve never seen this kind of love.The kind that won’t wash away and then leave you in the dark.I would die for you.I’ve never kissed a sweeter mouth,I’ve never been swept away,It’s what dreams are made up of,don’t you know I could not survive,without you in my life.I would die for you.I’ve never seen this kind of love,the kind that won’t slip away,Yes I’m soaring through your heart,don’t you know I could not survive,without you in my life.I would die for you.

Lived a good life,lived a sweet life.Oh, I’ve had the sun on my face, I have fallen to my knees and been amazed.I have walked beneath the brilliance of a perfect sky.Oh I am saved.I believe I am not going to be like I was, I have changed,I am saved.I have bitten off the pieces that I did not want,I have torn them into tiny bits of rain,Oh the sun has dried those memories like I knew it would.Oh I am saved..saved.

How do you cool your lips after a summer’s kiss? How do you rid the sweat after the body bliss? How do you turn your eyes from the romantic glare? How do you block the sound of a voice you’d know anywhere? Oh I really should have known,by the time you drove me home,by the vagueness in your eyes,your casual goodbyes,by the chill in your embrace,the expression on your face,that told me..maybe you might have some advice to give on how to be..insensitive.How do you numb your skin after the warmest touch? How do you slow your blood after the body rush? How do you free your soul after you’ve found a friend? How do you teach your heart it’s a crime to fall in love again? Oh you probably don’t remember me,it’s probably ancient history.I’m one of the chosen few who went ahead and fell for you. I’m out of vogue, I’m out of touch.I fell too fast, I feel too much.I thought that you might have some advice to give on how to be..Insensitive.

Four billion people surround us,so many souls lose their way. All that we have is each other and that’s all I’ve ever wanted.…Don’t you think it’s funny.Tell me what the point is.We could die tomorrow.Might as well enjoy this.

Will you remember me when I’m gone.Will you remember me at all.I tried to be kind, I tried to be good,will you remember me.God only knows why we try and fail.Is this heaven on earth orthe fires of hell.I tried to be honest, it’s hard not to lie.Will you remember me after I die.I don’t need to tell you that I’m afraid cause I’ll be paying for all the mistakes I’ve made.I tried to be thoughtful,it’s hard not to be blind.Will you remember me after I’m gone.

I’ve been on my hands and knees, crawling towards eternity,looking for the piece of me that always got away.And I’ve been so afraid to stand my ground,so I simply shut my mouth,close my eyes,bite my lip and swallow every tear.I can’t do anything,I don’t believe in anyone,I just feel sorry for myself all day long.All day long.Look inside my body baby,see the twists and turns inside me,every blinding curve that drives you right around the bend.I know you’ve had it up to there with all my chaos and confusion.I am living a delusion and I do not give a damn.Look into my heart and tell me I am a complete disaster,wasn’t that what you were after,always thought it was.Wasn’t I complete desire,filthy ash without the fire,you could not have been much higher without some kind of drug.

There will be no consolation prize,this time the bone is broken clean.No baptism, no reprise and no sweet taste of victory.All the stars have fallen from the sky and everything else in between,satellites have closed their eyes, the moon has gone to sleep.Here I am inside a hotel,choking on a million words I said.Cigarettes have burned a hole and dreams are drunk and penniless.Here I am inside my father’s arms,all jagged bone and whisky dry,whisper to me sweetly now and tell me I will never die.Hoping that the kindness will lead us past the blindness and not another living soul will ever have to feel..Unloved.

Cardboard masks of all the people I’ve been.Thrown out with all the rusted, tangled, dented God Damned miseries.You could say I’m hard to hold but if you knew me you’d know I’ve got a good father and his strength is what makes me cry.Feet on ground.Heart in hand.Facing forward.Be yourself. I’ve never wanted anything,no I’ve never wanted anything so bad…so bad.

What I am is too far in and can’t be found"

time is a healer- eva cassidy

I found a picture of your smiling face
Bringing old memories
That I had locked away
The burden of anger
From a heart filled with pain
Was finally lifted
And I smiled at you again

Oh if time is a healer
And all hearts that break
Then all hearts that break
Are put back together again
'Cause love heals the wound it makes

I spoke such harsh words before our goodbye
Well I wanted to hurt you
For the tears you made cry
All my hopes and dreams
Well they started vanishing
Those tender hurt feelings
Became a dangerous thing

Oh if time is a healer
If time is a healer
And all hearts that break
Then all hearts that break
Are put back together again
'Cause love heals the wound it makes.

All of those years we spent together.
Well they’re part of my life forever
I hold the joy with the pain
And the truth is I miss you my friend

Well time is a healer
And all hearts that break
All hearts all hearts that break
Are put back together again
'Cause love heals the wound it makes

enjoy..

well i definately need to post bcuz i cant stand the clash of the pictures wtih the green layout of this blog..yuck its sick
i went to G's tonight for a christmas gathering..it isnt usually the best time of my life..but it was alright. we usually do the same things ..but yeah..we watched a scary movie..i dont even remeber what it was called but i was scared shitless and then we watched 50 first dates to make a happy ending. and we exchanged our christmas presents! it was cute
im so proud of myself that im keeping busy over the holidays!:) i havent had an ounce of feeling sad yet..well i had a glimce of it but K made it all better!:)
I last posted about what ive done on tuesday..so now im gonna tell u what i did since then....
wednesday- i sat around all day and talked to j and then K came and picked me up again and we went to see A.B. at his work and we talked to him for like an hour lol and then we went back to K's house and we watched beethoven! it was such a good time! i looooove hanging out with him. i have more fun with just him by himslef then i do with a group of ppl. i had more fun with K then i did tonight with G K and M. haa im mean..but yeah it was out Unofficial 2nd date!..is it bad for me to say were seeing each other? cuz i would love to be "seeing" him..but our dates werent official so i dnot know what he thinks about me..or about "us" even if there is an us? lol im slightly confused...
anyways..
then u know what i did today (thursday)- i hung out with ppl and wacthed movies..*christmas gathering* lol

and tomorrow is christmas eve ( well accualy today..cuz its 12:44 right now)
so im waking up early..cuz i want to be able to sleep before HoHo comes..its not like im all exicted cuz "santa" is comming..ive grown way past that..its just that i know that theres some good stuff waiting for me downstairs and i cant handle the excitement!:D i just LOOOVE christmas..but yeah definately for all the wrong reasons..
so im gettin up and calling J to come over and make pancakes!! haha cuz were cool and then im gonna help mom cook and clean all day cuz my uncle and aunt are comming over for supper..thena fter that i think were gonna go to church and then maybe up to K's like we usally do on christmas eve.. and i try to sleep while HoHo comes..:D and then christmas morning i wake up and open presents..hopefully not too early.
then we stay in our pjs all day and get ready and go eat turkey again at my uncles for the other side of my family supper..then we open presents..and come home..and then my mom and dad always say "its all over for another year" and me and my sis get sooo pissed!:( cuz its alll over..
its a happy day..but sad at the same time.. cuz u know that u have to wait another 365 days until u can have christmas again...
<3 xox

Pics I edited in PSP8

this is sort of like a stained glass thing that i made by using the kilidoscope effect in PSP8

statue of liberty- i took this pic in NYC and edited it

flowers!:) i found this pic on my computer and edited it so it would look like a painting with charcole effect.

um yeah

why do i even bother talking..yes im back to the WHY DO I TALK thing again..I just make a fool out of myslef and leave people to judge me..goodbye.

Remember When- Alan Jackson

aww a love song:)

Remember when I was young and so were you
as time stood still, and love was all we knew
You were the first, so was I
We made love and then you cried
Remember when
Remember when we vowed the vows
and walked the walk
Gave our hearts, made the start, it was hard
We lived and learned, life threw curves
There was joy, there was hurt
Remember when

Remember when old ones died and new were born
And life was changed, disassembled, rearranged
We came together, fell apart
And broke each other's hearts
Remember when

Remember when the sound of little feet
was the music
We danced to week to week
Brought back the love, we found trust
Vowed we'd never give it up
Remember when

Remember when thirty seemed so old
Now lookn' back it's just a steppin' stone
To where we are,Where we've been
Said we'd do it all again
Remember when

Remember when we said when we turned gray
When the children grow up and move away
We won't be sad, we'll be glad
For all the life we've had
And we'll remember when

usless information for ppl on the outside..lol

ive been doing a pretty good job keeping myself busy over the break. so far this is what ive done....
friday-- i stayed home and wrapped presents...(thats when i realized that im not going to do this for the rest of my break) saturday---i went to the mall i think...and then i hung out with K and he picked me up and we went to his house...and then sunday---i went to visit my nanny and we delieverd chirstmas presents and then i went to the STM vs SJHS hockey game..STM won! wooo! and then monday-- i cleaned my room up a bit and i went to j's and she gave me my chirstmas present. and we laughed a lot lol. and then tuesday--- i talked to j on the phone like all day and then i went to dance class for 4 hours..but accually only 3 cuz M's mom forgot about dance so we didnt get there until a hour into it.
we had a really nice chat with our dance teacher..there were 3 ppl missing but it was still alright. she asked us who was "bad" lol and i automatically raised my hand..not that im bad..but it was funny. and then shes like what do u do? drink? and i was like ya. and then M's like haha well im abd 2 then..and it was hilarious..and the teacher was like how do u get ur liquor??? and were like uhhhh we cant tell u that lol. and she went aorund the group and asked who had bfs and who drank and haha it was fun. and the 3 that were missing are the only other"bad" ppl so that part sucked that we couldnt all partake in the goodtimes. and N said that shes only made out with someone once..and then the teacher was like "haha and _____(insert my name)'s like,ive made out with like 10 ppl when i was drunk! hahaha" and oooh did we ever laugh. and she asked if my mom knew and i was like Noo and keep that on the DL cuz shes right over there. lol it was such a good time. and she told us that she had a bf and that she doesnt like to drink and i feel better about her now cuz i dont feel like shes hiding anything from us anymore..if that makes sense.. we've bonded as a group! and it makes me happy:)
your probabaly wondering why i write about such stupid things like conversations..but i feel like i have to. cuz i have the tendency to forget important conversations..i really do. i dont know if its bcuz i have a bad memory or bcuz i just try to block them out of my mind. so i have to write down everything i need to remember and thats the only way i can look back on the archives of this and remember everything that happened in my life...its not cool. i hardly remember anything from middle school..and im in gr 10 right now..and i dont even remmeber my first day of highschool...:S:S:S thats how bad it is. i think i have a disease..jk i dont know. but im weird. anyways i think thats all i have to say.
<3xox

time for some inspiration for the holidays

This song is so sad. but it really has a meaning..just read the lyrics and you might get inspired..and thats all that needs to be said. its so beautiful, its self explanatory.

I met God's Will on a Halloween night
He was dressed as a bag of leaves
It hid the braces on his legs at first
His smile was as bright as the August sun
When he looked at me
As he struggled down the driveway, it almost
Made me hurt
Will don't walk too good
Will don't talk too good
He won't do the things that the other kids do,
In our neighborhood

I've been searchin', wonderin', thinkin'
Lost and lookin' all my life
I've been wounded, jaded, loved and hated
I've wrestled wrong and right
He was a boy without a father
And his mother's miracle
I've been readin', writin', prayin', fightin'
I guess I would be still
Yeah, that was until
I knew God's Will

Will's mom had to work two jobs
We'd watch him when she had to work late
And we'd all laugh like I hadn't laughed
Since I don't know when
Hey Jude was his favorite song
At dinner he'd ask to pray
And then he'd pray for everybody in the world but him

Before they moved to California
His mother said, they didn't think he'd live
And she said each day that I have him,
well it's just another gift
And I never got to tell her, that the boy
Showed me the truth
In crayon red, on notebook paper, he'd written
Me and God love you
I've been searchin', prayin', wounded, jaded
I guess I would be still
Yeah that was until...
I met God's Will on a Halloween night
He was dressed as a bag of leaves

-Gods Will- Martina McBride

Everybody Hurts- REM

When your day is long and the night,
The night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough
With this life,
Well hang on

Don't let yourself go,
'Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it's time to sing along

When your days is night alone,
If you feel like letting go,
When you think you've had too much
Of this life, Well hang on

Everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts

Don't throw your hand Oh, no
Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone,
No, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life,
The days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much
Of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts, Sometimes everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes
So, hold on, hold on, hold on...
(Everybody hurts... You are not alone)

voices

sometimes i think that if i just dont speak, if i just sit and listen and never talk then i will be happier. If i dont talk, there wont be any fights, I wont be judged by what i say, i wont have to be someone im not. i would just be existant in pressence, i would not speak. it would make so many peoples lives easier. if i didnt speak..noone would know about the anger and jelousy inside of me. im jelous. im so jelous. I feel like ive lost my place..and im upset that YOU took it. why did u have to do that to me. I know u did it inententionaly. but it hurt me. and im afraid to be judged by what i say. you WILL judge me. you cause me so much pain. but accually..maybe its not you..its me. if i didnt think so much, and if i didnt think that everyone was agaisnt me then maybe i wouldnt be in these situations. I dont think i trust you... i dont trust ither of you. i wish i could. you dont trust me ither. there just so much that can not be forgotten. I know im making a big deal over this. but i want my place back...I want to be loved unconditionnally. no strings attached. if i fuck up, if i make a mistake, i want someone to still be there for me. thats what i want. and that is 2 much to ask for. but thats what i need. I need something stable. i just want to be loved.

being alone..my biggest fear

This song is the EXACTLY how i feel sometimes. But i could never find the words to express it. You feel like your nothing and noones there to help you. It realy does hurt to be betrayed and stabbed in the back. My biggest fear is to be alone. Most of the time the emotions I feel are caused by being alone. and this song is the perfect example of that. its the worst feeling ever. to be screaming inside and you cant show it. to be bleeding inside from all the pain. to have the feeling like youve just been punched in the gut and you cant breath. that feeling u get in your throat when u try not to cry. and noone understands.

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever want to run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over?
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be ok
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like
What it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life

-Welcome to my Life-- Simple Plan

Beautiful Soul- Jesse McCartney

yup...your gonna get a lot of songs in the next few days. I have new obsessions:D

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I want to chase
You're the one I want to hold
I won't let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

I know that you are something special
To you I'd be always faithful
I want to be what you always needed
Then I hope you'll see the heart in me

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I want to chase
You're the one I want to hold
I won't let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
Your beautiful soul

You might need time to think it over
But I'm just fine moving forward
I'll ease your mind
If you give me the chance
I will never make you cry, c'mon let's try

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

You're the one I want to chase
You're the one I want to hold
I won't let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

Am I crazy for wanting you
Baby do you think you could want me too
I don't wanna waste your time
Do you see things the way I do
I just want to know that you feel it too
There is nothing left to hide

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I want to chase
You're the one I want to hold
I won't let another minute go to waste
I want you and your soul
I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
Your beautiful soul, yeah

Christmakah is on its way!:)

wow, only one day left of school before chirstmas..im pretty exicited. everything is good now. my life is comming back together. me and c have a deal not to fight anymore. i wonder how long that will last...and me and j are good. i love her. im woking on her christmas present. im making her a picture frame with like 20 pics of me and her and the goodtimes this summer and so far this year, like pics from dances and stuff. its pretty exciting.

What i want for christmas this year...is something very out of the ordinary. I want to lose my voice. how wonderful would that be! I LOVE it when people lose their voices. it makes me happy. the sound of the raspy squeak just makes my day! i love it! as much as i try, i can NEVER lose my voice. Im just incapable of doing it. I have NEVER lost my voice and it has always been my dream! so this year for christmakah:D...im asking to lose my voice once in the year 2005. thats my only wish. i just want to lose my voice! it would make my life complete. even if its only for a day. Just one day of talking with a raspy squeak is all i ask! and i dont care what day! just one fine day. whatever works! and that is my dream!
i hope you enjoy.

im a foooool

I decided i wouldnt go to the cab...and then all my friends decided they would. and now im here..alone..baaah. its my own fault. i could of bought a ticket today but i was 2 lazy to go out at lunch and buy a dress. the cab is gonna be sooo much fun. i can just imagine...NOTE TO SELF: Never Again Will I Wait Until The Last Minute to Do Something.
I'm doing my sisters hair tho!:) her dress is sooo pretty!:) i LOVE it. She'll be out dancin in her pretty dress and ill be sitting home doing my CHEMISTRY homework!:P haha i might even do it in the tub;)
this is probably good for me tho
i need a break
I have soooooo many bruises from dance class. and my back has been all fucked up for the past few days. and i made it worse when i went to dance class the other day, so maybe a break from the dancing is what i need..baahh. THEN u sliced my finger open playing pool...ouch eh. and yup thats all my boo-boos.
my coat from old navy came in...But it was the wrong size....geeeze pppl i wnated a MEDIUM not a fuckin LARGE! anyways..im gonna go eat some cookie dough. everybody behave yourself tonight!
<3xox

Nobody's Home- Avril Lavigne

*old i know* but i love it.

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Dont know where she belongs,
where she belongs.

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
Thats where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go, to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside,
Find the reason why,
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.

Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Dont know where she belongs, where she belongs.

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
Thats where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go, to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's falling behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's falling from grace.
She's all over the place. yeah ...

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
Thats where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to, dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

She's lost inside, lost inside... oh oh. She's lost inside, lost inside... oh oh.

Beautiful- India Arie

yes..im back to posting lyrics..i just cant help it:( *lol*

The time is right
I'm gonna pack my bags
And take that journey down the road
Cause over the mountain
I see the bright sun shinning
And I want to live inside the glow

Yeah I wanna go to place where I am
nothing and everything
That exists between here and nowhere
I wanna got to a place time has consequence
oh yeah
The sky opens to my prayers

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,

Please understand that it not that I don't care
But right know these wall are closing in on me
I love you more than I love life itself
But I need to find a place were I can breathe
I can breathe

I wanna go to place were I can hold the intangible
And let of the pain with all my might
I wanna go to a place where I am suspended in ecstasy
Some where between dark and light
Where wrong becomes right

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,

random

Yayy! me and C finished our duo today! its soo awesome!:) its gonna be soo much fun. we are in a show in january so we have to practice a lot.
The tree is now here and decorated!:) i love christmas trees! it just puts you in the christmas spirit. the smell of the tree just reminds me of all the goooood times lol
I have dance class tomorrow night. im pumped for that:)...but i hurt my back sooooo baddd!! i dont know what i did to it..i can hardly walk..but im sure it will get better..i just need a massage, lol
i LOOOVE extra brownie ice cream!
i loooooove ashlee simpson!!
and yeahhhhhhhh... this week is gonna be so packed....i have SOOOO much to do...but then its christmas!!
christmas usually makes me depressed tho..aha..well by the end of the 2 weeks im bored and then i get depressed. but nothing should be as bad as last christmas..

"Why, Should I care. You werent there when I was scared. I was so alone.....I'm startin to trip, im loosin my grip and im in this thing alone".

well i gotta go get myslef ready for this weeek.
<3xox

answers

I got these off of http://dreammoods.com .

Feet
To see your own feet in your dream, symbolizes your foundation, stability and sense of understanding. It signifies your need to be more practical and sensible. Keep both feet on the ground. Alternatively, it represents mobility, independence and freedom. Perhaps you have taken a step in the right direction and are contemplating your goals or your next step. The sole of the foot may be a pun of being or feeling like the only support of some person/situation.
Consider also the pun of "putting your foot in your mouth".
To dream that you are washing your feet, indicates that others can easily take advantage of you.
In particular for the people of India, to dream of the feet may symbolize divine qualities since the feet are considered the holiest part of the body.

ok the "Perhaps you have taken a step in the right direction and are contemplating your goals or your next step" is sooo weird. Maybe its a coincidence but last night before i went to sleep i was thinking about transfering schools, but i didnt know if it would make me happy or if it would make me more miserable. so i asked god..if he could give me a sign. to let me know what im sopposed to do. and maybe the feet thing in my dream was from him. im almost positive they were my feet...cuz when the skin was being pealed off i felt it. but i dont think they looked like my feet. i dont really remember. maybe im soposed to transfer schools. maybe i need to and maybe god ws trying to tell me that. but what happened in my dream doesnt quite fit. cuz i was PEELING SKIN off my feet. i wasnt just looking at them. this is so weird.

Slide
To dream that you or somebody is on a slide, indicates that you are experiencing some instability in your waking life. You may have lost your grip on a situation or relationship.

Thats pretty much true too..

Hate
To dream about hate, indicates repressed aggression and your fear of confrontations. On the other hand, you may forcing your views and opinions onto others. Consider the symbolism of other elements in the dream to find out what is it that you really hate.

I'm definately afraid of confrontations...and i know that i do force my views and opinions of others...i just never thought of it in that sense before.

dreams

ok last night i drempt the weirdest thing...ok first accualy i dont know what order they were in.

ms.s asked me why i was sad and i said its not you, i really like your class..i just the people in it. and she looked like she was gonna cry. and she said FUCK and then shes like C? and i was like how do u know i fucking hate her with a passion. and she laughs and she said well ive known her for awhile now.

another part was we were in class and i said to C i dont like you. and then she goes I dont like you ither. Its not like i hate you tho

in another part of my dream i was picking layers of skin off of my feet?but they were kinda wet? i sware..im really weird.

and then another part. me C,J and M were sliding on a 4 person tube? and first it was like a water slide and then we ended up on this huge icey hill (sort of reminded me of poley) and then M said "no i dont wanna go down!!!" so since i was in the front i made us stop in a snowbank before we could hit the icey part and go speeding down the hill. and i said to M "well you can just roll off then" meaning. from now on you can just roll off when we get to the icey hill...:S

then the phone rang. and now im here cuz i NEVER remember my dreams and i did today so i dont know what it all mean. but it must mean something.

<3xox

i cant fucking believe this

she told me we were gonna have a vent night at her house. then we both forgot and it was a big joke. she said shed ask her mom. then she said at school oh well i gotta go to my dads i guess that plan went through. BULL FUCKING SHIT
u went to your dads
you invited HER OVER
NOT ME
you LIED TO ME
FUCKING BITCH
I FUCKING HATE YOU RIGHT NOW
IM FUCKING PISSED AT BOTH OF YOU
GO GET FUCKING MARRIED AND THEN DIE
FUCK
FUCK YOU
yeah just go fuck yourselves.

FUCK

i hate PEOPLE
i hate garbage bags
i hate speeches
i hate myself
i hate PEOPLE
i hate shyness
i hate socks
i hate pain
i hate english
i hate teachers
i hate PEOPLE
i hate bitches
i hate conceit
i hate HVHS
i hate banana flavoured medicine
i hate liars (although i am one)
i hate PEOPLE
i hate my life
i hate my face
i hate being selfish
I HATE SPEECHES
i hate sqaush
i hate this blog entry
i hate ANGER
I HATE MY FRIENDS
I HATE PEOPLE
I HATE TYPING
I HATE BEING HERE
I HATE THIS.

break away

I know you've let go.
That's something I cannot do.
I just can't forget all the hell you've put me through
I know its timefor me to move on and get over it
But I just cant

I see you everyday laughing, telling jokes
And i remember that it used to be me
You used to laugh with me
Now I'm forgotten
Like my presence doesnt exist

I seem to be facinated with you
with your life
with your new clothes and your hair styles
I dont know why
there has always been a competition with us
maybe..we just want the other to think were ok
and we want to make an impression
that we still "look good" without them

I dont hate you.
I never did
I dont even want what we used to have.
I couldnt stand it
Now that ive been on the outside looking in
The best times of my life were with you..
I'll never forget..
I just miss it sometimes
only sometimes..

I'm alright
I'm gonna be alright
I have new friends that i love deeply
But i still find myslef wondering what your up to
Whats new, whats going on in your life, who likes who

I'm so ashamed of myself
Bcuz I cant be stronger
I wish I was stronger
Stronger..

everybody wear their pjs inside out and backwards!:)

DO it!! I'm getting everyone to do it..I dont want to go to school tomorrow! plzzzzz:( i hope it snows like 30cm and we can make snowmen all day:) Its funny..im 15 years old and i still love making snowmen! Everyone does..its just one of thoes things that people dont grow out of. ive never met anyone that doesnt enjoy a good "frosty" with a scarf and a hat.
Ive been really considering transfering schools lately..i know i say that a lot and i never do it but this time im serious.. hate HVHS it sucks asss.....the people there need to be slapped. anyways
C really wants me and J to go to the cab...but me and J dont really wanna.. wed have to go buy dresses and that would be a waste cuz we know were not gonna have a good time. were not caberet people..were more like "going all out at regular dances people"..yeah i used to be a cabaret person..oh how things have changed. Oh well what can ya do.

"I wanna stand wth you on a mountain, I wanna bathe with you in sea, I wanna live like this forever, until the sky falls down on me"- Truly, Madly, Deeply---Savage Garden

awww..its soo cute!:) I want love like that!:)
that song is something people never grow out of ither..:)
-<3xox

maybe im not insane

I'm in a weird mood today. I have this errie feeling inside of me. Its sort of calm and peaceful. I feel as though everythings going to be ok.
I bought a book this weekend. "i'll tell you one damn thing, and that's all i know!" by Jann Arden. I'm nearly done it now. It's filled with her daily thoughts written in journal form. Its beautiful. It's nice to know that there is accually a sane human being out there in this world. It's a comforting feeling.


I had one less freckle when I awoke this morning..everything fades.

I have been running and running and running. Sometimes I think if I stop, I'll lose everything and have to go back to the beginning, when really, going back to the beginning every morning is exactly what I want to do. I want to
be able to create a new person without a history, whthout a mistake made, without a jagged memory thatcatches the corners of your eyes and makes a tear ruin your makeup. I want to fly into the world today, like I have never
seen it before and it has never seen me. That is the gift of forgetfulness. I dont want to remember every single thing I have ever done. I want to surrender to new things, new days, new experiences.

Kindness is a beacon for all of us to walk towards, run towards, arm flailing, hair blowing, sun shining.

We must be able to stand alone. That is the only way we can stand together.

It sounds corny, but it's so wonderful to hear the crickets and the talking and the wind through the trees and the
water. It makes you feel alright for a second ot two. Just a second or two, but in that second or two that winds itself back into your soul, making you like yourslef a little bit more.

Nothing quite as sad as a person who misses nothing at all.

We all find ourselves asking the same questions. Why, being the biggest one of all. it drives us mad that we cannot know why. You get pieces of the answer all your life. You get to see glimpses of
miracles. You have to watch closely though, or you'll miss them altogether.

Our friendships are soulmates on a grand scale. They travel through time with us, through pain with us, through all that could and does go wrong with us. friends are our weightless survivors whom we lean on and fall on and walk on from time to time. They do not forsake us ever. e104

-Jann Arden

I hope you enjoy these

<3

untitled

she feels the pain..but will not scream

on the outside shes laughing..on the inside shes dying

she fights the tears to hide her fears.

she will not show weakness..she is strong

shes smiling..but is she happy?

Nothing Is As It Seems.

randomly rambling

welll....hmmm where to start..theres this guy that ive been talking to lately and i think hes right awesome hes such a nice guy! hes in gr 11 and he has a car wooooot bonus. if we were to hook up it would be a very "safe" relationship..which is probabaly a good thing for me considering my past.. anyways yeah so hopefully were gonan start hanging out and stuff. and yeah.. i think im ready for a real relationship..i will keep me occupied so i wont be thinking too much. wooooo.
oh my fuck i have soooo much to do this weekend....i have to memorize my speech for frenech wich is gonna take me forever!!! im sooo scared to do it. i HATE talking in front of people and there all WATCHING you..theres like 60 eyes on you..oohhh my it scares the shit out of me.. if they all turned there backs to me or something it would make it soooooo much easier. lol
AND i have to do like 459584928594825489230 pages of math homeowrk cuz im in advanced..baah
AND i have to do fd45302594285948293584928594829 chemistry questions
AND i have to make up a tap dance for music... BAHHHH
anyways im out,

xox<3

good mood:)

wow! i was soo exicted this morning when i woke up and i got to eat my frist chocolate in my advent calendar!!! but this year i tried something new. i started with the 24..i usually start with the 1. but poeple were telling me that they start with the 24 so they can count down the days so i was like good idea!! so thats what im doing...yup its pretty sweet. It really puts me in the christmas spirit, having my chocolate fix every morning!! and the radio played christmas songs all morning on the way into school on the bus so that pretty much put me in a permanate mood all day.
Now here is the big news of my life! I have re-introduced myslef with the AQUA CD! oh my soul. Its the best ever! me and J listened to it all lunch and we were dancin around and stuff it was a pretty good time!!

so yeah..today was a good day. I have good days once in a while. people think i have good days everyday but they dont really know what goes on inside my head. i dont like to show weakness..so im happy..or so people think. but today i really was happy!:)
anyways im out. ill post some insight later..pfft peace out A town!
<3