maybe im healed

Whoaaa! what a crazzzzzy week/weekend!! ive been so busy lately its killlling me! theres nothin really on my mind...im just thinking about eating chocolate..mmm from easter! easter was fun.
you know what. i cant say what i really feel anymore. someone who knows me personally is reading this. and that scares me. i dont want to be known. so thats why i havent been posting lately..i cant find anything to write about that doesnt tell to much about myself. and that sucks bcuz i love this place. and i dont want to start a new one bcuz i want to keeo track of everything i wrtie so i can remeber my life in the future. this makes me mad
a lot of things do
wow
yeah so i have nothing left to say. but i will be back.
maybe im healed

there's just an empty space

How can I just let you walk away,
just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you,
You’re the only one who really knew me at all
How can you just walk away from me,
When all I can do is watch you leave
Cos we’ve shared the laughter
and the pain and even shared the tears
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now,
oh there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now,
well there’s just an empty space
And you coming back to me is
against all odds and that’s what
I’ve got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry
There’s so much I need to say to you,
So many reasons why
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now,
well there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now,
cos there’s just an empty space
But to wait for you, is all I can do and
that’s what I’ve got to face
Take a good look at me now, cos
I’ll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It’s the chance I’ve gotta take
Take a look at me now

-Against All Odds by Phil Collins

<3xox

Falling Apart

the dark hits me
like a ton of bricks
im falling apart
the anger rises
he comes at me
a fist raised
my heart pounds
i can no longer breathe
im scared
i want to die
i want to go to sleep
and never wake up
what do they think of me
im so ashamed
i hate them
they make me cry
i hate them
the tears form
in the corners of my eyes
i just want to be loved
please
dont forget about me

Heavier Things

"I worry, I weigh three times my body I worry, I throw my fear around,but this morning, there's a calm I can't explain The rock here has melted, only diamonds now remain"

"Someday I'll fly,someday I'll soar,someday I'll be something much more.I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for.Maybe I'll tangle in the power lines and it might be over in a second's time,but I'll glady go down in a flame if the flame's what it takes to remember my name"

"I can't tell you just what's keeping me down. Something's missing, and I don't know how to fix it. Something's missing, and I don't know what it is"

"I'm a new man, I wear a new cologne and you wouldn't know me If your eyes were closed.I know what you'd say. This will last longer than the rest of the day but you're wrong this time.You're wrong"

"Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and wait on your porch 'til you come back home, alright. I can't find a fight,we share the sadness.Split screen sadness"

"I wanna see the ending,I wanna learn a last name,finish on a Friday and sit in traffic on the highway.See I refuse to believe,that my life's gonna be just some string of incompletes"

"Fathers be good to your daughters,daughters will love like you do,girls become lovers who turn into mothers so mothers be good to your daughters too"

"And if you never stop when you wave goodbye,you just might find if you give it time,you will wave hello again,you just might wave hello again "

"You live like you hedge on the whole thing,I adore you but, there's a hole in the cup that should hold my love"

-John Mayer

shake that booty, turn it around

Whoa! its been awhile eh! this past week has been sooo hectic..the busiest yet..im so tired. incredibly tired. so im just gonna leave you with a quote from jann ardens latest journal entry.
maaaaan i just cant get enough..she writes with such passion..i wish i knew as much about life as she does.

"The backdrop of the beauty makes it all the more horrific. The mountains with their blue and green halos, the water that shines like diamonds, the sun that melts rain, the flowers and the warm wind and the birds warbling...and then the throngs of no ones...the forgotten souls who are destined to die on a street with a Starbucks cup pointing at the sky."- Jann Arden

theres gotta be more to life.

lately i feel like im being held back. life isnt fun anymore. im bored of it. i do the same old thing everyday..my life used to be amazing...soo many laughs. i was always having a goodtime. now i feel like im lost somewhere and i cant find my way back out. i cant wait until highschool is over so i can get out of here. i want to meet new ppl. the ppl i see everyday...they are getting old. the jokes are old. theres no more constant laughter. we stand and look at each other..lost in our own thoughts. and what im usually thinking is that i could be somewhere else having more fun than this. its the same old thing. the same rivalees. and its getting old. and when i was thinking about this on my busride hoem today..it reminded me of a song..

i've got it all but i feel so deprived i go up i come down and i'm emptier inside
tell me what is this thing that i feel like i'm missing and why can't i let it go!
There's gotta be more to life then chasing out every temporary high to satisfy me,
cause the more that i trippin out thinking there must be more to life ,
well, it's life and i'm sure there's gotta more (then wanting more)
i've got the time and i'm waisting it slowly here in this moment i'm half way out the door,
on to the next thing i'm searching for something that's missing

Theres gotta be more to life.

sweet, simple, magical

Hold up
Hold on
Don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone
May your smile
Shine on
Don't be scared
Your destiny may keep you warm

'Cos all of the stars are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them someday
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Get up
Come on
Why're you scared
You'll never change what's been and gone

'Cos all of the stars are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them someday
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

We're all of us stars
We're fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see us someday
Just take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out

-Stop Crying Your Heart Out by Oasis

shes only happy when shes dancing.

she steps onto the stage.
the heat from the light hits her face
darkness fills her mind
a soul in need of a friend
vague faces looking at her from darkness
she cant see them
but she can feel them
watching..
waiting.
she starts to get tense
her hands are sweaty
a familiar song reaches her ears.
she relaxes
the music fills her soul
her body begins to move
into every rehearsed position
feeling the movements
feeling the song
she dances her way across the stage
shes not afraid.
she cannot be hurt.
shes in her place
the place inside her head
where darkness becomes light
shes not afraid
everything will be alright
the music stops
the lights begin to dim
she raises her head slowly
and looks into the crowd of faces
a smile slowly fills her face
shes only happy when shes dancing.

It's all just the same at the end of the day.

Sing a sad song
In a lonely place
Try to put a word in for me
It's been so long
Since I found this place
You better put in two or three
We as people, are just walking 'round
Our heads are firmly fixed in the ground
What we don't see
Well it can't be real
What we don't touch we cannot feel

Where we're living in this town
The sun is coming up and it's going down
But it's all just the same at the end of the day
And we cheat and we lie
Nobody says it's wrong
So we don't ask why
Cause it's all just the same at the end of the day

We're throwing it all away
We're throwing it all away
We're throwing it all away at the end of the day

If you need it
Something I can give
I know I'd help you if I can
If your honest and you say that you did
You know that I would give you my hand
Or a sad song
In a lonely place
I'll try to put a word in for you
Need a shoulder? well if that's the case
You know there's nothing I wouldn't do

Where we're living in this town
The sun is coming up and it's going down
But it's all just the same at the end of the day
When we cheat and we lie
Nobody says it's wrong
So we don't ask why
Cause it's all just the same at the end of the day

Don't throw it all away
Don't throw it all away
Throwing it all away
Throwing it all away
You're throwing it all away at the end of the day

Sad Song- Oasis

Learning by experience often is painful- and the more it hurts, the more you learn.

-Ralph Banks

"Lifes like an hour glass glued to the table"

I've had the song 'breathe" by anna nalick in my head all day. its so pretty.aah:). Im in the mood to ramble so here goes:
first of all. i havent yet decided why i blog..why do i do it? i have no idea. I used to think i did it to let everything out..but i dont think thats why i do it anymore. i MAKE myself blog. I make myself do it like evry 2 days. I have like this little conversation in my head and i tell myslef to do it. If i dont do it for awhile i feel like whoever is out there that is reading my blog is gonna think im dead or something and i need to let ppl know im alive. But really when you think about it, Noone reads my blog. And thats how i want it to be i guess. i dont want anyone i know reading this. not that theres anything in here that would offend them..i just like having this place to come to and vent about my life..and when im mad at my bestfriends i can come here and let it out cuz i obvisouly cant let it out to them. I dont have the passion to be a writer..i read ppls blogs and everything they write has a meaning..and they do it bcuz they love to write and its what they wanna do with their life. Thats not what i want. Although sometimes i get the urge to write something with some though behind it..and thats when i want comments. i like it when ppl comment on what i write..especially if im proud of it or i like how it turned out.
i think the only reason im scared to tell ppl about my blog is bcuz i dont want to get nasty comments. i couldnt handle that. i would feel bad about myself. bcuz im myslef here. this is me. and if i got bitched at for being myslef. i wouldnt feel too good. im just afraid i guess..
wow when i frist started this i didnt know why i blogged..and i guess i just told you^^
Ive been feeling really tired lately. probabaly cuz i dont sleep very well.. i go to bed at like 2 and get up at 9..even though i sleep till 9 it feels like i just went to bed.
i went to see my grampy today. he has cancer again. and hes in pain. but he still smiles and cracks jokes and laughs harder than ever. i love him. hes such a strong man. hes been though a lot..in and out of hospitals numerous times. the last time he went in i thought this was the end..so i got up in the middle of the night when we got the call and we rushed to the hospital..he made it out ok in the end. hes a fighter i tell you. i love him to death and after that. i know he thinks hes gona die tho. i just see it in his eyes. hes getting weaker, i noticed that today. and he asked for a hug today. i alwasy give him a hug when im leaving, no question. but today he asked..makes me wonder what hes thinking. maybe he thinks that i wouldnt see him again. i hope not. but i really dont want him to suffer. If he has to go, i want him to go in his sleep and not feel anything. i dont want him to be in pain bataling with cancer. thats just not the way it should be.
anyways i think im gonna stop here.i hope that when i re-read this it makes sense.
-<3much love

I cant keep my eyes off of you

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
Nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say
Just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words, you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't why I can't keep my eyes off you

Something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of

You and me and all of the people
With nothing to do nothin to prove and
It's you and me and all of the people and
I don't why I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive

-----You and Me- Lifehouse

I'm lost in her words and I cant find my way out.

"There are parts of us that are so dark and so deep that one step too far into it all may mean never coming back. There is a darkness so heavy, no light can fight its way in, or maybe it does, but even it too cannot fight its way back out. The human soul; a complex winding web of a million lifetimes. Things get stuck in it. Our hearts wedged. Our egos walking the tiniest silk thread. Our confidence sprawled over the netting, clinging for dear life. How can we be?"

-Quoted by Jann Arden

someday you will find me, caught beneath the landslide.

How many special people change
How many lives are living strange
Where were you when we were getting high?
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannon ball
Where were you while we were getting high?

Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky
Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova in the sky

Wake up the dawn and ask her why
A dreamer dreams she never dies
Wipe that tear away now from your eye
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannon ball
Where were you when we were getting high?

Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky
Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova in the sky

Cos people believe that they're
Gonna get away for the summer
But you and I, we live and die
The world's still spinning round
We don't know why
Why, why, why, why

How many special people change
How many lives are living strange
Where were you when we were getting high?
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannon ball
Where were you while we were getting high?

How many special people change
How many lives are living strange
Where were you when we were getting high?
We were getting high
We were getting high
We were getting high
We were getting high


-Champagne Supernova- Oasis

Something to relate to.

"Marilyn Miller was a special girl; we all knew it. We all wanted to be her friend and be around her undying happy spirit. I miss her from time to time – when my life allows me to stop and wonder and understand where I came from. I don't often like to go back to high school, but I will go back for her. Most of the people weren't worth going back for. I left running and I am still running – only now, I don't have to look over my shoulders to see where everyone else is, as they are just gone. Some memories are simply not worth hanging on to. Small schools are the cruellest of all because you never get to escape who "they" think you are. You are "her" forever - the girl they all THINK you are, but don't really know in the slightest way – until you finally leave when the graduation hangover wears off. You cheer quietly inside your heart, get in your 1976 Maverick and start driving (reminds me of a song I once heard...)."

This is a quote directly from Jann Ardens latest journal entry. This is the main reason why I read her journal. I feel the same way she does and she expresses it so well it makes me want to read more. My highschool experience is pretty much going to turn out like that. Thats exactly how it is right now. There are people that think they know me and have a label placed on me already. In their eyes I will be THAT person forever.
I know someday it will all be over and ill be traveling to a place where "no one knows me". To start a new life. The memories of highschool will be forgotten. "Some memories are simply not worth hanging on to"
It's Jann who gives me hope.

-<3xox

How do you teach your heart its a crime to fall in love again?

wow! its been a while!
this song is AMAZING! I just had to post it so enjoy!

How do you cool your lips
After a summer’s kiss
How do you rid the sweat
After the body bliss
How do you turn your eyes
From the romantic glare
How do you block the sound
Of a voice you’d know anywhere

Oh, I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me
Maybe you might have some advice to give
On how to be
Insensitive

How do you numb your skin
After the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood
After the body rush
How do you free your soul
After you’ve found a friend
How do you teach your heart
It’s a crime to fall in love again

Oh, you probably won’t remember me
It’s probably ancient history
I’m one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I’m out of vogue,
I’m out of touch
I fell too fast,
I feel too much
I thought that you might have
Some advice to give on how to be
Insensitive

Insensitive- Jann Arden<3