beautiful insight..

Every single line in this song has meaning. Theres no need to make any certain line bold because I think its all beautiful; this whole song as one. Im just overwhelmed with it. Its amazing..just amazing.



Friendly faces welcome almost any day.
Light up a smile, and realize it's not to late to change your mind.
Take a train swing from a thread;
mother nature muddy water rolls right off my head.

Mr mystery passes by and
says son I'm glad you're still alive today.
So am I, So say hey, so say hey
why would Mr. mystery care about me anyway.

When tears fell like rain.
I'm licking my lips.
I'll never understand it.
That's just the way it is.
I've been running from these demons,
for most of my life.
I can still feel them watching me,
in the middle of the night.

So you say that you do no know me.
[When I], I do not know myself.
What I am or who I'll be,
so don't try to make sense of me.
So you say that you do not love me.
[When I], I do not love myself.
I never wanted to be the one tying you down
but I really do hope that you are happy.

When tears fell like rain.
I'm licking my lips.
I'll never understand it.
That's just the way it is.
I've been running from these demons
for most of my life.
I can still feeling them watching me
in the middle of the night.

I want to be here forever.
I want to be young forever.
Lets dance the sky
together on another day. [fade away]
If you go and you just don't see
I want to be you and you want to be me,
come on everybody and dance with me.

Climbing Mountaintops,
I had a thing for you.
Your enchanting smile
and your eyes are cool.
You would fall behind
I would wait for you.
Everybody's gone ahead
I just smile and shake my head.

You don't know who you are,
you will never know.
you will never know.
[No, I want to be here and.]
If you go and you just don't see
I want to be you and you want to be me,
come on everybody and dance with me.


When tears fell like rain.
I'm licking my lips.
I'll never understand it.
That's just the way it is.
I've been running from these demons
for most of my life.
I can still feeling them watching me
in the middle of the night

-Middle of the Night by Stabilo Boss

Why- Avril Lavigne

Why, do you always do this to me?
Why, couldn't you just see through me?
How come, you act like this
Like you just don't care at all
Do you expect me to believe I was the only one to fall?

I can feel, I can feel you near me,
even though you're far away
I can feel, I can feel you baby, why

It's not supposed to feel this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you

Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

Hey, listen to what we're not saying
Let's play, a different game than what we're playing
Try, to look at me and really see my heart
Do you expect me to believe I'm gonna let us fall apart?

I can feel, I can feel you near me,
even when you're far away
I can feel, I can feel you baby, why

It's not supposed to feel this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you

Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

So go and think about whatever you need to think about
Go ahead and dream about whatever you need to dream about
And come back to me when you know just how you feel, you feel

I can feel, I can feel you near me,
even though you're far away
I can feel, I can feel you baby, why

It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you more and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you

Tell me
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, more and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
Tell me, Why

a thought..

"people dont change, things change people"

I really like this quote..its soo true. People cant just all of a sudden decide to change who they are..the desire has to be there and that desire is driven by events that have happened in their lives. People can change for the better and people can change for the worst. I think its pure bullshit when people say "omg shes changed so much..blah blah" ..as if the person who changed just woke up one day and decided to change their lifestyle. It's Life that changes people. Life and the people in your life. The older you get the more you know and the more you will change. It just doesnt happen in a split second.

i think im going to make it out alive

I'm alright
the worst is over
the betrayal is left in the shadows
but it still lingers within
wether it will be rid from inside
or remain there forever
i dont know
its hard to predict
i just have to take it one day at a time
and pray that this hurt will cease..

Something to think about..

my friend sent me this in an email and your sopposed to highlight the things you've done/had/been..so here i go..

Have you ever?

Climbed a mountain
Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
Held a tarantula.
Taken a candlelit bath with someone
Said 'I love you' and meant it
Hugged a tree
Done a striptease
Bungee jumped
Visited Paris
Watched a lightning storm at sea
Stayed up all night long, and watched the sun rise
Seen the Northern Lights
Gone to a huge sports game
Grown and eaten your own vegetables
Slept under the stars
Changed a baby's diaper
Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
Watched a meteor shower
Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment ( all the time!! )
Had a food fight
Taken a sick day when you're not ill
Had a snowball fight
Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
Held a lamb
Organized and planned a surprise party for a loved one
Taken a midnight skinny dip
Taken an ice cold bath
Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
Seen a total eclipse
Ridden a roller coaster
Hit a home run
Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
Adopted an accent for an entire day
Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
Had two hard drives for your computer
Visited all 50 states
Loved your job for all accounts
Taken care of someone who was really sick
Had enough money to be truly satisfied
Had amazing friends
Stolen a sign
Taken a road-trip
Rock climbing
Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
Bench pressed your own weight
Milked a cow
Alphabetized your records
Pretended to be a superhero
Sung karaoke
Lounged around in bed all day
Protested something you feel strongly against
Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
Kissed in the rain
Played in the mud
Played in the rain
Gone to a drive-in theater
Done something you should regret, but don't regret it
Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
Dropped Windows in favor of something better
Taken a martial arts class
Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
Crashed a party
Loved someone you shouldn't have
Gone without food for 5 days
Made cookies from scratch
Won first prize in a costume contest
Gotten a tattoo
Got flowers for no reason
Made out in a public place
Got so drunk you don't remember anything
Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
Performed on stage
Been to Las Vegas
Drank an entire 6 pack by yourself
Buried one/both of your parents
Shaved all of your hair off
Been on a cruise ship
Spoken more than one language fluently
Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
Bounced a check
Performed in theatre
Found out something significant that your ancestors did
Called or written your MP
Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
Wrote articles for a large publication
Lost over 100 pounds
Held someone while they were having a flashback
Broken someone's heart
Helped an animal give birth
Been fired or laid off from a job
Broken a bone
Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph
Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
Ridden a horse
Had major surgery
Ridden on a passenger train
Had a snake as a pet
Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
Been a sperm or egg donor
Eaten sushi
Had your picture in the newspaper
Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
Gotten someone fired for their actions
Changed your name
Eaten fried green tomatoes
Read The Iliad
Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read their works
Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
Taught yourself an art from scratch
Killed and prepared an animal for eating
Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
Written your own computer language
Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
Had to put someone you love into hospice care
Built your own PC from parts
Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
Had a booth at a street fair
Dyed your hair Blue
Been a DJ
Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
Written your own role playing game
Been arrested

whoaa..pretty deadly eh? I thought so..there's so many things i havent done so far in my life...I wanna kiss in the rain!!!!!!haha holy shit that took me 15 min to do..geeze

Kiss the Rain- Billie Myers

I'm pretty sure this is the best song ever written...I'm in love with it..

Hello...
Can you hear me
Am I getting through to you
Hello...
Is it late there
Is there laughter on the line
Are you sure you're there alone
Cuz I'm trying to explain
something's wrong
You just don't sound the same

Why don't you
Why don't you
Go outside
Go outside

Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever I'm gone too long
If your lips feel lonely and thirsty
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn
Keep in mind
We're under the same sky
And the night's
As empty for me as for you
If you feel
You can't wait till morning
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain

Hello... Do you miss me
I hear you say you do
but not the way I'm missing you
What's new
How's the weather
Is it stormy where you are
You sound so close but it feels like you're so far
Oh would it mean anything
If you knew
What I'm left imagining
In my mind
In my mind

Would you go
Would you go
Kiss the rain
As you fall
Over me
Think of me
Think of me
Think of me
Only me
Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever I'm gone too long
If your lips
Feel hungry and tempted
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn
Keep in mind
We're under the same sky
And the night's
As empty for me as for you
If you feel you can't wait till morning
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain (Kiss the rain) (Kiss the rain) (Kiss the rain)

Hello... Can you hear me

smoke

I like people who think for me..like songwriters for example. They write how they feel with emotion for us listeners to realate to. they pretty much do the deep thinking for us. I love music with meaning. But sometimes there are hidden meanings to their metaphores..by reading the lyrics we think we know what they mean..but really only the writer knows the true meaning of what they write. no one can get inside someones head and feel what they felt. its just not possible...this song..smoke by natalie imbrugila definately has a meaning that means something to her..

My mouth is dry
Forgot how to cry
What's up with that
You're hurting me
I'm running fast
Can't hide the past
What's up with that
You're pushing me

Why , bleeding is breathing
You're hiding , underneath the smoke in the room
Try , bleeding is believing.. I used to
I used to

Why , bleeding is breathing
You're hiding , underneath the smoke in the room
Try , bleeding is believing
I saw you crawling on the floor
Why , bleeding is breathing
You're hiding , underneath the smoke in the room
Try , bleeding is believing
I saw you crawling to the door
Why , bleeding is breathing
You're hiding , underneath the smoke in the room
Try , bleeding is breathing
I saw you falling on the floor

Sympathy- Goo Goo Dolls

Stranger than your sympathy
And this is my apology
I take myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out

I wish for things that I don't need
All I wanted
And what I chase won't set me free
It's all I wanted
And I get scared but I'm not crawling on my knees
Oh yeah everything's all wrong yeah
Everything's all wrong

Stranger than your sympathy
I take these things so I don't feel
I take myself from the inside out
Now my head's been filled with doubt
It's hard to lead the life you choose
All I wanted
When all your luck's run out on you
All I wanted
And you can't see when all your dreams are coming true
Oh yeah it's easy to forget yeah
And you choke on the regrets yeah

Stranger than your sympathy
All these thoughts you stole from me
I'm not sure where I belong
Nowhere's home and I'm all wrong

And I wasn't all the things I tried to make believe I was
And I wouldn't be the one to kneel Before the dreams I wanted
And all the talk and all the lies
Were all the empty things disguised as me

Yeah Stranger than your sympathy
Stranger than your sympathy...

my day..

well I dont really know what to write about but im in the mood so heres my day:

I got on the bus at like 8:30..and then i had my loooong 25min ride from GB to school and i sat with J so it wasnt so bad..we talk for like 10min and then i listen to my discman and she sleeps..lol theres sooooo many ppl on my bus that sleep in the morning its so funny. Then i got to school and went to my locker..talked to a few ppl and then headed off..
1st period - music...baahhh BORING..i "dislike" music. and today we were in the keyboard lab to practice the song were doing..its soo stupid..i like the classroom work better cuz we do a lot of "music games" and such! BUt the worst part of my day was in music...dun dun dun..my teahcer told us what time we have to get out shots...:S:S i have to go on thursday @ 9:15..im right scared..i know its not gonan hurt but im TERRIFED of needes..ahhh
2nd period - chemisty 111...meh it was alright..we pretty much just worked on our assignments..that are due tomorrow and i only have one question done...:S:S...and i got right pissed off in chem. class cuz the ppl that sit in front of me and J are retards and they talk and laugh the whole time about stupid stuff..man and they talk right loud so the whole class knows what they're talking about..its pretty fucked up.
3rd period - french...I HATE FRENCH..AAAAHHHH we got a new seating plan today tho.. but i sit right at the front now so french sucks even more..now i HAVE to talk french..grr
4th period- well since today was a "flip day" I had english...and we had to do thsi stupid thing and find quotes from the book...yeah..and then she calls on me to read out my quotes..and i felt like an idiot..i hate it when she asks me to read stuff..cuz shes right the smart tracher..like she knows ALL..no joke..and if i do something wrong i feel like im not good enough for the SMart Teacher..yeah lol
5th period- I had Math..pretty good times..but im right confused..aah we got a new teacher cuz our teacher was on maternity leave so this guy is a lot harder then our first teacher..and we have a HUGE ass test thursday and im right scared cuz i dont understand..:S:S

Anyways..yeah then school was over so i waited 25 min until my friggin bus came...urrgh and then i came home on the LONG bus ride and now im here writing this..baah yeah so peace out A town

Quiz Results

Here are a few quiz results I did today..


B:

Your Beauty liesin Plain Sight. Plain, simple and the girl nextdoor. People tend overlook you as you are the
"normal girl", but you're actuallyvery beautiful. And you have plenty about you to
set you apart, but more thatlets you blend. People love the stability you have
because as others may comeand go, you will always be there and you may always
be the same. You like simplethings and that's what people like about you. You
most likely enjoy things mostconsider normal, like movies, shopping, that sort
of thing and are very friendlyand probably have many friends. You are sweet and
kind and that shows on you,but you're also strong and not very naive. You're a
rather well-roundedindividual. Even though some people pass you off as
just another girl, shrug itoff because they don't know what they're
missing.

Some ThingsThat Represent You:

Element:Earth, Light Animal: Cat Color:
Pinks, Blues, Browns Song:Girl Next Door by Pilot Expression: Simple
Smile

Gemstone:Alexandrite Mythological Creature: Fox
Demon, Hobbit Sign:Tauros Planet: Jupiter Hair Color:
Light Brown Eye Color:Brown

Quote:"To the world you may be one person, but to
one person you may be the world."

Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::..
brought to you by




You are BOBBIE SPENCER. You are quite perky and
friendly. You like to take care of people. When
it comes to men, you are very experienced and
know them well but you don't always choose the
right one. You are put on the backburner often
so when it's your turn for attention you turn
on the charm, maybe a bit too much at times.
You have a good heart and will do anything for
your family.


Which Female Soap character are you(ABC)?
brought to you by Quizilla


harry potter


!!**_WHAT_MOVIE_R_U_FROM_**!!with Pics
brought to you by Quizilla



You're a mermaid. The stereotypical mermaid had a
long, fish-like tail that blended with the
human torso at the hips and almost white skin
with red hair or some off color like green or
blue. They were the most fantastic singers and
the siren type of mermaids would lure sailors
with their lovely lullaby into dangerous rocks.
They were mostly harmless and peacefull and
they were content to simply sit on the beach
combing their hair or in the water playing with
friends. They never wore clothes and were
always women. They were sweet and a little
deciteful at times. (If you cannot see the
picture, go to my userpage and look near the
bottom. There should be the picture and
description for all the results)


What Mystical Creature Are You? (Pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla



Fun loving, childish, innocent and pure
You are a sprite of the Air: Fun loving and
childish your naive nature only enhances how
truly cute you are! You may come off as too
childish but only because your not burdened
with all the rules and regulations of
adulthood. You are carefree most of the time
spending your days playing tag or naming all
the clouds you see in the sky. You are
generally kind to everyone because you have
lots of love and happiness to share! Making
friends comes easy because they strive for the
innocence you possess but be careful, being as
nice and kind hearted as you are people will
try to manipulate your nature if they have not
already. Don't ever let anyone mold you to
their standards although I doubt anyone could.


.::=What type of mythical Sprite are you?=::. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla

socialisation

well tonight i was re-entered into the world of people yet again. I went to the christmas parade with J, J, J's mom, and J's brother. It wasnt too cold out ither so it was a pretty good night to see HoHo! We had chairs, huge mother blanket and we got large hot chocolates from Robins Dohnuts.(it wasnt as good as Tims:(:(:(!!) I did notice something tonight tho...There was a lady with 3 children who asked to sit in front of us and we said yeah sure..it was no big deal they were only little kids and we could see over their heads. Then this really rude man told the lady she couldnt sit there bcuz he had his bookbag there and whoa..they had a big fight..just over a stupid parade thats sopposed to be a good thing and put you in the "holiday spirit". I never realized before how much the world has changed since i was a kid..im now just starting to notice things more..

After the parade we went back to J's and watched the Forgotten..it was pretty deadly..but I sorta felt out of place..J and J have been friends forever..and then they werent for a while bcuz J ditched her..and thats when me and j started hanging out. but being there with the both of them..was kinda of awkward. They were talkng about old times and all this funny stuff that i wasnt there for..not that i minded..but i sorta felt like i was raining on their parade..if that makes any sence? like they would rather me not be there? they werent mean to me or anything..and i exaggerate and make a big deal out of everything so it was probabaly nothing..but thats just what i sensed and how i felt when i was being there..and it sorta makes me sad. i feel really mean saying this..but i dont want j to be good friends with j again..becuz what will happen to me? i know she'd never forget about me..and J really makes her happy..shes laughin more..and J doesnt give her as much drama as i do. i get her mad and sad and everything. so maybe this is a good thing..maybe they should be friends again. I might as well live in a bubble. i dont want to hurt anyone else. and i dont want to cause any more pain on ppl that dont deserve it..ppl that only want to be happy.

well i went into the world of people and survived..i guess thats a good thing, maybe im starting to heal

Beautiful Madness- Stabilo Boss

6,5,4,3,2 and...

and I will go on
and you take me to your life
and time will go on,
it breaks me in your life

say what you want to say,
any time of day
but don't justify my truth,

it's time for me to change
its time for hope to bleed,
its time for love to sacrifice...
this sacrifice of love

and you caught my eye
and stole a thousand teardrops
but you told me so many times,
I can taste this blood,
my hands are tied nails are in my pockets,
this world was made for kings and queens
and now your lost, tie me up and spike another coffee
bring out your dead alive,
wasting for the life,
for the times I walked
for the times I talked,
for the times along

this beautiful madness,
this glorious sadness
this beautiful madness,
this glorious sadness
beauty

Everybody's Free(To Wear Sunscreen)- Baz Luhrmann

Baz Luhrmann wrote this and read it to a graduating class of 97'. He was an old man and he had already been through life..which means he knew more about what was ahead for the grads. So he wrote this as advice for them to think about when they go off on their own and start the life and the future ahead of them. What he wrote was so insightful that it was made into a song. I love this with a passion. The way he expresses his philosophy of life makes it so beliveable. Theres something inside you that tells you that what he is saying is 100% true....

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97...
Wear Sunscreen
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You're not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you
Sing
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss
Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind…the race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't. Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own..
Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time it's 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen...

I was definately on crack

These were written on my other site when I was retarded and fucked up....im such
an idiot..but yeah I had to post them so that they just dont get erased.

This Pain is Just to Real
There are so many feelings..flooding my head; aching to be let out and revealed to the world..I can no longer fight this thrusting madness..I cant fight the tears..I cant pretend im ok..some things just cannot be decived with laughter. There is just too much pain. The anger; rushing through my veins..turns to sadness in the depths of my heart. I feel so betrayed, useless; wondering what would be. I cant trust you. I can no longer hide it. Its like an open wound; You cut me deep. Deeper than ever before. I just want this pain to heal..to just go away..to be out of my mind. But, even then..there is still a scar; A scar I wont forget.
I hate you for making me hurt.

What Ive Learned
Through out this experience I've learned a lot about life. I never knew what I had..I never knew how many things were important in my life;I've never appriciated what I was given.. When I was torn and broken; thinking tomorrow would never come, my true friends were there, like they always will be. That's what I've learned.
I've learned that time can heal anything;wound;sore;or broken heart..It may bleed and throb at first...but if you dont pick the scab..it will heal over. It may leave a scar,a bruise or a lump; but the open wound is saved from the bitter salt.
I've learned that you have to live each day to the fullest. You'll never know when something might come your way. But,you have to be ready for it. Seize each second and never forget the happiness you've experienced.
I've learned that friendship is the most important thing in life. No one is ever your best friend. A best friend is just a name for people you try so hard to keep around. You cant make people stay if they are trying to get away. The people you will never forget are your True friends. True Friends are hard to come across, But when you find a true friend, Cherish them forever; Dont let anyone take them from you;But dont hold them too close ither. Meet new people. Let them take you along for the time of your life. Dont waste oppertunitys.
I've learned that everything really does happen for a reason. Something good can come out of every bad situation. Even your in worst and most devestating times..you will see the light.
I've learned that you dont have to try and impress people. Just be yourself and everything will become clear.
I've learned that every struggle; every obstacle you have to over come..makes you an internaly stronger person
But most of all what I've learned about life is that everyone has their greater moments and their lesser moments..but you have to take them as they come; no regrets.

Maybe
My life is crumbling before my eyes and I'm afraid to stop it. Everything is a competition. The world shuns me out to make me feel like I'm nothing; I'm not good enough. I try to be nice and play along. I just cant take it anymore. I have to be the 3rd wheel, the one left out. Just because I cant win the race. My life is a competition. I loose the one thing I cherish most in this world; and then the next is taken away from me. Why can't this all stop. Why is the world against me. It feels as though I have to be the best to be happy. To be happy I have to win the race; I have to be the first in line. I have to dimolish the enemy. I have to snatch them before someone else. Why cant they want to be in my line! Why dont they care! They don't care how it makes me feel. They don't care that my life is crumbling. They dont care that I'm falling apart. I dont know how much more of this I can take. I wonder how they would deal with it if it was them. Not even an explination. No apologys. Am I wrong to feel this anger? Am I wrong to feel hurt? Maybe thats what got me in this situation in the first place; I was just too mad. I was just to angry. Maybe I'm just..Maybe I'm mad at myslef?

Fuck you
Dont you know what your doing to me? If you think its funny, if you think its a joke..your wrong. its not funny. you hurt me. you use me. you play me for a fool. all i want is a friend. and if you cant see that then fuck you. i need to move away. i need to get out of here. I cant go on living like this. YOU USE ME! YOU TOOK EVERYTHING I HAD AND RIPPED IT AWAY! why the hell cant you see that i cant handle this? not right now. not when im trying to get over the loss of my best friend. all i need now is a friend. AND YOU'RE NOT THERE FOR ME!!! I thought we were best friends. I thought we were inseprable. I guess not.the competition is over, if i win i still loose, theres no race. i guess the world is just playing me. fuck you.

Alone
I am alone. There is nothing left but numbness and tears. I am alone. My biggest fear has takein over me. I am Alone. I keep my mind occupied. I find myslef slipping away; Feeling alone. When I am in a crowd of people, I am alone. When I am with the friends I have left. I am alone. The part of me that loved to have fun, the part of me that loved life and loved each day...has been burried under pain and sorrow. I dont how to retreve it. I've spent too many days in solitude, trying to find myslef. The only part of myslef I cared for is gone. Witch is why..I am Alone.

The Unknown..The Future..Paradise..terifying

Where did we come from? How did we get here? I often find myslef thinking about that. Is there really a heaven? Is heaven like they say it is. Is it a pradise where your day consists of riding white horses with wings and eating marshmellows all day long? Or is it more a place where your life is played on a plasma screen before your eyes and your informed of what you've done wrong, what you shouldnt of said or how many times you've hurt others. Im terrifed..Im terrified to find out.
I do believe in God. I believe everything that is said in the bible. Although I know hardly anything about whats in it. I dont go to church. I did as a child but now I guess were just too lazy. That sounds really bad when you say it. But its the truth. I used to go to Catons Island summer camp where they would teach us about God and what he does. I remember one year the famous quote was "God is a big kid!" I just loved going to camp. The music was amazing and I loved learning and singing about God. I really do believe. One year at camp I "gave myself to God". I dont really know the definition of that. But they said a prayer and anyone who repeted it after they said it was considered giving yourslef to god. So i did it. I was like 10. I thought it was something I had to do. But really..just saying a prayer..its not going to do anything. You have to build a relationship with God; Talk to him.(They taught us that at camp). But thats the part I never really did. I left camp at the end of the week and pretty much forgot all the stuff I said I was gonna go for now on when i got home. I forgot about talking to god and praying everynight. Thats the part I dont understand. As much as I believe..I dont understand how people can talk to God. How do they know what hes saying? I dont understand.
A girl i met at camp..Katie..her Msn names are always.. I Love Jesus..God is great..and all theese nice things about God. She has a relationship with him. She talks to him. I wish I knew what and how she does it. Does he really answer you..or is it just enough knowing hes listening.
I think that it comes down to believing in a higher power. Truly beliveing that there is someone above you. Im a true believer that everything happens for a reason. And God can see into the future and he knows whats best for you and he makes your life happen as it should. ( ive had a few traces of that happening in my life..a few things that at the time i was really upset about but then in the future..im really glad it happend.)
Another thing is past lives...I really think that people can have past lifetimes. and future lifetimes. I think i was a cat in my first life..i really do. Then after i died as a cat i was sent to be here for this lifetime. But after this...I dont know whats next..Will I go to heaven? Do I have to be rid of my sins to get into heaven? Whats waiting for me in my future? Does God have a plan for me? Is he really watching over me? I think the answers to life will be revealed when or if i get to "heaven" what ever heaven is.
Right now..im not enjoying life too much..so im thinking..is heaven better then where I am right now? Maybe heaven would be "hakuna matatta" with no worries. Or maybe someone in an unknown place is watching me and laughing right now because i think that heaven is wonderful. Maybe someone who knows is saying "oh that girl..shes gonna be in for a surprise when she finds out the truth" Maybe its LIFE that is the paradise..and your after-life is the hard part.I dont know. and frankly it confuses me.
I hate not knowing! I hate not knowing if there is any of life in space..maybe theres a planet with people that have yet to be discovered..What will the world be like in year 6000? Will there be war? Will people finally find peace? Will there be hover crafts and time warps?
I find it terrifying not knowing whats going to become of the world..and scarriest of all..whats going to become of me..who am i going to be? And where will I go when I die. Whenever that time comes.

About Me.

F.I.R.S.T.S.
First best friend: Vanessa
First car: never had one yet…:( i cant drive
First crush: Jordan
First break-up: oooo umm probably like grade 4 or 5
First Self purchased album: probabaly a spice girls cd.. i dont really remember tho
First pet: a kitty
First piercing/tattoo: my ears when i was like 7 or 8 i think..did i ever cry
First credit card: not yet .. but i had a lot of fake ones as a child
First true love: never been in love..well love in a friendship way..but never opposite sex way( i dont think)
First enemy: Kristin!!! and still going strong.
First musician you remember hearing in your house: um..the rankins..the eagles or alabama

L.A.S.T.S.
Last cigarette: hm..geeze..its been a while..maybe last summer?....omg..i never realized how long its been
Last car ride: tonight
Last good cry: i havent had a "good" cry in years
Last book i bought: The Notebook - Nicholas Sparks
Last movie seen: Shrek2 (rented)
Last beverage drank: peach juice
Last food consumed: lasagna
Last crush: hm...M.A!!! lol
Last phone call: a call for me...god..um..a while ago..maybe even a few weeks:S:S
Last time showered: This morning..i shower every day
Last CD played: Honey Soundtrack
Last annoyance: ETHAN!
Last disappointment: myself
Last word you said: peace!

F.U.TU.R.E.
Your career going to be? something to do with a desk and a computer..and sitting there allll day..maybe a business worker..or accountant..or engineer
Where are you Going to live? somewhere far from here..i think
Do you want any kids? yep..i want twins!! i WILL get my twins

C.U.R.R.E.N.T.S.
Current mood: weird
Current taste: peaches
Current clothes: pjs
Current longing: someone to love me.
Current book you're reading: Lord of the Flies..for english class

W.H.A.T.S.
What's in your CD player? Honey Soundtrack (cuz it was the last CDi listened to ^^^)
What color socks are you wearing? im not wearing socks..lol no joke
What's under your bed? umm...old school books..and binders and notebooks and all that junk and i think my slippers are there 2
What time did you wake up today? um..7 ish

blogging

well hmm.. im not quite sure if this is heathly for me.. im getting kind of addicted to this blog stuff. i like reading other ppls blogs and seeing how they're feeling and what their opinion is on things. it makes sense to me. it makes me feel like im not alone...anyways this is my 2nd blog for the day so im just pretty much rambling to NO ONE!.. cuz no1 comes here..! haaa. but yeah peace*
ps- if u come here..and i dont know it yet..will u plz comment

"..A beautiful thing"

Theres this girl i know..i met a few summers ago at softball. she is friends with a girl that played on my team..from what i remember of her then..she was happy go lucky...she was always smiling and out for a good time..and we were pretty good friends that summer when i saw her at softball cuz she came to all of our games and practices. After that summer I never talked to her again, i never really saw her. but i did hear a lot of rumours about her. i never really belived them tho..but i did consider them. i just never thought such a happy girl could do the things i heard..
now that i know more about her..i know that she has a hard life at home and shes been hurt very badly by an adult in her life. but she still stays happy....
a lot of ppl say really nastys things about her and they comment on her site and say really mean things about her. but she still laughs and remains happy.
I have a lot of respect for this girl. she knows her values and she has an opinion. she knows what she wnats and shes not afraid to stand up for herself. thats a quality i wish i had. how this girl can live life without centering it around what ppl are saying about her really inpires me. i know shes going to be successful because she has a great attitude towards life and the people in her life.

I really wish people would stop judging other people and lableing for no reason at all..even when they dont know the other person... i know that wish isnt going to come true, bcuz everyone does it..i do it.. i know i do it..everyone has done it once in their life...but if we want peace in this mad world we have to start somewhere. maybe just a smile at someone you dont know, it might make a difference in their day..even in their life. So im gonna try to take my own adivice and stop judging ppl i dont know..and listening to rumours..and smile at them insted.
"Everytime you smile at someone it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing"- Mother Teresa

cabaret

yayyy no school on friday..i have no idea what im gonna do..B and C wanna do something after our lesson on thursday but yeah..anyways im NOT going to the cab...why the fuck would i go..last year i got all dressed up and had a shitty time so it was really a waste of my time and money..regualr dances and KICK ASS but cabs..not so kick ass. so im gonan hang out with E J and A up town i think:D if im allowed:S i hope so..last years cab was a mess..i got ready with my new friend at the time C and i went with M.A (soo hot) lol that part was alright but then..my "x" friends were making fun of me all night and shit and givin me dirrty looks cuz i was with C and they dont want me to have any friends..but i had C and shes wayy cooler then them so they flipped out especially S cuz she has to be The best at everything..anyways..i bumped into one of them on purpose cuz shes a fuckin bitch and then later on we had words..and i won..she just kept copying what i said..what a loser..haha anyways..after that experience i dont wanna go to the cab..i dont care what im missing there cuz im having fun for myself..im not trying to impress ppl..i dont care about "looking good" fuck..that was one of their occupations in their profiles.."lookin good" fuckin stuck up bitch..yeah so ya'll have a good one

my weekend/love light

wooo..today me and c had our duo lesson..its f-in nuts! we learned a lot today. h tried to make us act the part of the b brothas but im jst like "aaah:S" lol..but oh well we'll do it better on stage..and then i found out that i dance thursday saturday sunday and monday..so i only have 3 days off a week..thats pretty deadly..gives me somethin to do...soo my weekend...well i went to see shall we dance with k and g on friday? i think..maybe.. i dont really remeber..but yeah it was a deadly time..and then saturday i had tech...baah..nobody came..cuz it was all snowy and stuff..and i cant STAND n!!!! fuuuckkkk..shes such a retard....she was goin on about stupid ppl and tlaking to stupid ppl..like seriously..M was like what the hell? and she wear capris under her blue shorts that she wear to every class with her black tank top..:S lol..she just started wearin the capris cuz carla does and then she started wearin tights cuz me and M do..lol yeah..and i saw shrek2!! it was soo cute!!:D anyways im out. peace

Sorry for myself

I've been on my hands and knees
Crawling towards eternity
Looking for the piece of me that always got away
And I’ve been so afraid to stand my ground
So I simply shut my mouth
Close my eyes
Bite my lip
And swallow every tear

I can’t do anything
I don’t believe in anyone
I just feel sorry for myself all day long
All day long

Look inside my body baby
See the twists and turns inside me
Every blinding curve that drives you right around the bend
I know you’ve had it up to there with all my chaos and confusion
I am living a delusion and I do not give a damn

I can’t do anything
I don’t need anybody else
I just feel sorry for myself
For myself
For myself
For myself

Look into my heart and tell me I am a complete disaster
Wasn’t that what you were after
Always thought it was
Wasn’t I complete desire
Filthy ash without the fire
You could not have been much higher without some kind of drug

I can’t do anything
I don’t believe in anyone
I just feel sorry for myself
For myself

I can’t do anything
I don’t need anybody else
I just feel sorry for myself
All day long
I can’t do anything
I don’t believe in anyone
I just feel sorry for myself
For myself
I can’t do anything
I don’t need anybody else
I just feel sorry for myself

-Jann Arden

I love this song..Jann Arden is such a good writer...i thought id post this song cuz this is how im feeling right now..and noone can put this emotion into words like her.

Unloved

There will be no consolation prize
This time the bone is broken clean
No baptism, no reprise and no sweet taste of victory
All the stars have fallen from the sky
And everything else in between
Satellites have closed their eyes,
the moon has gone to sleep

Unloved

Here I am inside a hotel
Choking on a million words I said
Cigarettes have burned a hole and
dreams are drunk and penniless
Here I am inside my father’s arms
All jagged bone and whisky dry
Whisper to me sweetly now and tell me
I will never die
Unloved

Here I am an empty hallway
Broken window, rainy night
I am nineteen sixty-two and I am ready for a fight
People crying hallelujah
While the bullet leaves the gun
People falling, falling, falling and I don’t know where they’re falling from
Are they
Unloved

Hoping that the kindness will lead us past the blindness
Not another living soul will ever have to feel
Unloved..unloved

-Jann Arden

free me from this hurt inside

well first of all..i think im in a depression. depression changes your sleep habits..and i dont sleep anymore. and im just sad and i walk around looking like im in some grave pain or something..I like being around ppl that can make me laugh..it makes me forget about the hurt inside. sometimes it even puts me in a good mood for the day. i thought that i have been depressed for a while now but i didnt wanna belive it. but now im just..just sad. and its fucked. another thing that makes my sadness worse is my friend. Pretty much all summer me her and j hung out and we had the time of our LIVES! we partied/drank together..loads of sleepovers, beach, mall, hangin in gb, goin to SJIdol..it was soo much fun! and i told her everything..we even creid together. she helped me through some stuff i was tryin to get through and i love her! i just love her so much shes such an awesome person! we were never really what you would call "best friends" tho..me and j are best friends and she hung out with us all summer..but it was never official BFFS...at the time i think i could say she was one of my best friends. but she has her own best friend that she hangs out with 2. and it doesnt bother me when she hangs out with L(her BFF) and not me and J..bcuz i realize that she has more friends then just us. but now we come back to school from summer and shes slowly drifting away..i havent said more then 2 words to her in the past 3 weeks..not that were mad at each other or anything..i just dont know what to say to her..but the other day when i was walking down the hall all depressed..she asked me what was wrong and i said ill tell u later cuz i was on my way to class..and i think thats when she got pissed...she would NEVER tell me shes pissed at me tho..shes way 2 nice for that. she stil even talks to me..but only like Hey whats up?...she keeps to herslef a lot so its had to predict how shes feeling..she used to tell me how she was feeling in the summer:(..but now she doesnt talk to me. she hangs out with L every day now and on weekends..and im not pissed..i just miss her..i miss her more then words can say..she was the only person that knew how to make me feel better. jsut talking about her makes me cry cuz what we had in the summer was the best feeling ever..i knew she was always gonna be there for me..but now shes just not..and i dont know how to get that back..:( and that sadens me even more...

ooooo *advantage*

Advantage**what a name for a pregnancy test.// this girl at my school..(no names) was outside waiting for the bus when she pulls out this pregnancy test..and her bf and her friend were there and they were waving it around and laughing histericaly..i mean c'mon ppl...this couple--the girl(no name) and her bf stand outside the school everyday and make out while her friend stands there and just watches!! myy god..if my friend ever did that to me i would be fuckin pissed. but anyways, yeah so this girl was laughing and reading the instructions to the test..and her bf said "so when are u gonna take the test" and she laughed and was like "wouldnt it be hilarious if it was positive! haha"// ..these people obviously dont know the severity of being pregnant..fuck, everyone thinks there pregant after the first time they have sex..but the way she was laughing..she was making a joke out of it but she really could be pregnant..baaah *sigh*some gr 9ers..

oohhhmyyyyy..

"you look so tired"
"i am, i went out last night"
"out..where?"
"to a party"
"was there older people there?"
"yeah"
"did u have fun"
"yeah"

Free Me

Frozen inside
Remembering the past
Everything about you continues to haunt me.
Envious of your strength
Making me hide behind my smile
Everyday the walls surrounding me inch closer..closer.

Whiskey Lulaby

She put him out, Like the burning end of a midnight cigarette.
She broke his heart. He spent his whole life trying to forget.
We watched him drink his pain away A little bit at a time.
But he never could get drunk enough
To get her off his mind. Until the night...

He put the bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
He finally drank away her memory.
Life is short But this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees.
We found him with his face down in the pillow.
With a note that says I’ll love her till I die.
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby.

The rumors flew But nobody knew
How much she blamed herself.
For years and years
She tried to hide the whisky on her breath.
She finally drank her pain away A little at a time.
But she never could get drunk enough
To get him off her mind Until the night...

She put the bottle to her head and pulled the trigger.
And finally drank away his memory.
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees.
We found her with her face down in the pillow.
Clinging to his picture for dear life.
We laid her next to him beneath the willow.
While the angels sang a whisky lullaby.

tired

I'm 100% physically and emotionaly tired..its been the longest week of my entire LIFE!...wooa..well im not really sure what to say since this is pretty much just me rambling to no1 but what ev..anyways tonight im going to sit curled up on the couch iwth a blanket and watch tv or a good movie..i cant wait..ive been waiting for this forever. 2 days break from the life at school. people really under estimate us students that have to go to school and work all day and them come home and do homework all night..its really tireing on our system..well at least for me. i work my ass off all week studying for tests and trying to keep my grades up and yet some ppl dont seem to notice? meh, w/e. i was gonna do something with j tonight but she went to a hockey game/ movie with her rents with is pretty cool for her. they have "family night" sometimes..she deosnt mind it so im happy for her. but other then j..i dont hang out with anyone else on weekends..except for the occasional c and j but thats only when theres a "party" or some sort so they can try to take advantage of me. its a great life. im not sure what i think about the c and j thing yet. im just not sure. i probabaly should be upset about it but i dunno if i am or not. i dont really have values and i dont stand up for what i beive in cuz i have no idea what it is that i belive in. is that a bad thing? anyways..tomorrow i have dance class:) yay! i love my dance class..but thats probabaly all ill do tomorrow unless j wants to do something but she mught be hanging out with her bf..wich makes me sick cuz there so in love its grose. im not the kind of person that thinks that omg kissing is sick but there like so holla over each other and urrrghh haha maybe im just mad cuz i get left out when she hangs out with him and not me..cuz i like have no one else and she has him and me..plus her dance class friends that go to our school so meh. im not upset.i dont get upset about big things anymore..only the little ones, thats not a good thing aaah? maybe if i had someone i was in love with i would think differently..cuz ive never been in love. ive neevr had a boyfriend for more then a month..me and my old "friend" s used to call it the "syndrome" when we can never have a boyfriend for more then a month cuz we always get sick of disguested with them..that happens to me all the time. but i guess i just havent found the right guy. and i havnt been looking..i had a lot of trouble with guys in the past so i just gave up totally and it pretty much cleared up my life.. but now i think im ready to have a relationship. i jst dont have time to meet anyone and get to know them..i haave a lot of great guy friends that i hardly know but i just odnt have time between school and dance and SLEEPING..haha no i shouldnt say that but ywah iguess im just lazy. meh its alright with me. but im gonan stop now i didnt know i had so much to say!lol

This Year's Love

This years love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
I've been waiting on my own, too long
When you hold me like you do It feels so right, oh now
Start to forget how my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feelin' like I can't go on.
Turnin' circles time again
Cut like a knife, oh now
If you love me got to know for sure
Cuz' it takes something more this time
Then sweet, sweet lies, oh now
Before I open up my arms and fall,losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
When you kiss me on that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet Singin' ain't this life so sweet?
This years love had better last
This years love had better last
Cuz' whose to worry if our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you notice life goes on
Won't you kiss me on that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singin' ain't this life so sweet
This years love had better last,
This years love had better last,
This years love had better last,
This years love had better last,
This years love had better last, whoa
This years love had better last.

something beautiful

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death ,I will fear no evil, for you are with me; -Psalm 23
It says so much in a short phrase. When death is before you..you wont be afraid because someone you love is there with you. and they will be with you forever...wow. i <3 it. i wish i could write something like that..with such an intense meaning that other ppl would understand and not just me. something that isnt consisted of metaphores that only i understand and know the meaning of. but meh..maybe someday eh?

Mad World

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces.
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funnyI find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very,very Mad World
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me